The Balancing Act--how do we do it?

“How do I balance everything?” 

I've heard this question asked by college students, single adults, parents, co-workers and ministers.  Men and women who've been married a short time or for decades have wondered how they are to balance their responsibilities and their relationships.   This troubling dilemma seems to affect people regardless of age, gender, or stage of life.  Most of us think that once we solve the problematic balancing act, we'll feel successful, effective, and peaceful.

We all feel the problem, but few of us can give or live the solutions. I’ve rarely met a person who actually has the answers for how to master the balancing act.   There’s a reason we keep asking the "balance" question but seldom get adequate, long-lasting advice:

The Bible does NOT tell us to be balanced.

When I flip through the pages of Scripture, I find commands such as: Be holy.  Be wise.  Be fruitful.  Be strong.  Be humble.  Be patient.  I can always count on God's Word to help me think and give me specific directives.  His Word equips me  and every believer for good works, but never does it suggest we be "balanced".

This truth is freeing: Jesus assumes that when you follow Him, you'll be a little off your rocker.  That’s okay because rocking chairs (even the perfectly balanced ones) don’t go anywhere--they're stationary objects, moving back and forth, back and forth, until its occupant is lulled to sleep.

Christians have got to get off the boring rocking chair and stop asking how we balance all these things we may not even need to have in our life.  When our priorities are loving God and people, we're able to focus on what we need to do.  We need to wake up and move forward by striving to be biblical, not balanced.

"He has told you...what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" -- Micah 6:8

From Messy Mommy to Missional Motherhood

I had two childhood dreams: to be a country music singer and a foreign missionary.  I admit one desire was of the flesh and one was of the Spirit, but the two dreams worked beautifully in my mind.  I planned to spend all day in the dirt with the people and write/sing their stories at night.

I do not prefer to sit in church and talk about missions, raise money for missions, or read books about other people on the mission field. I am built by God to be the feet of the Body.  I like to go, see people face-to-face, and tell their story. I am happiest in life when I can see that I am personally making a difference, so you can imagine my giddy spirit when this mission dream seemed to become reality at the age of 23.  After spending a year as a missionary on an American college campus, my husband and I started the process to serve over-seas. We had lived off of my husband’s income and saved mine so that we could easily deploy. 3 days before the first plane ticket was to be bought for the first mission conference, I found out that I was pregnant. The mission agency put us on hold and wanted us to wait a year after having a child, but by that time we were pregnant with a second baby and had seen God re-define our plans and give us a clearer sense of my husband's calling.

Unfortunately, I was not happy to find out we were expecting. For me, having children was the death of a dream.  Raising children didn't fit in my plan:  I wanted to fix people who were already broken, not bring new people into this broken world.  It pained me to watch the money we saved to evangelize the poor go to raising our own kids. Nevertheless, I could not deny what God had planned and given us--we had decisions to make.

I know enough about child development to understand that the first five years of a child’s life are crucial.  But Titus 2 gave me a greater reason to stay home with my pre-schoolers: I did not want to dishonor the Word of God by chasing only my dreams and desires.  As a young woman, I needed to find the best way to love my husband and children.  I set out to primarily stay home even though I do not prefer “working at home”.  This didn’t just mean I cut a 40+ hour work week out of my life, but also much of my own personal interests.  I rarely sang at church or committed to many extra activities. Any job or ministry that I was involved in during those pre-school years were to contribute to the overall welfare of the family and didn't take me away (physically or mentally) from being the primary care-giver to our children. 

Disclaimer: I've had many friends who have desired this lifestyle, but were not able to stay home for reasons beyond their control.  I believe “mom at home” is the best situation, but not always possible.

As a young mom, my life no longer consisted of a jam-packed schedule that made me feel important. I now lived with a calendar consisting ONLY of doctor’s appointments.  I had left a job where I was around a hundred people a day, talking/counseling/teaching college students to sitting in the living room with one little baby girl.  I didn't know how to sit and nurse a baby for 8 hours a day.  I was conditioned to set goals and finish them, now simple tasks (like laundry) seemed impossible.  I did not know how to go all day long without seeing one adult face.  I didn’t know how to be happy singing to just one little baby when I once got that fulfillment on stage.

There were times I was miserable as a new mom. Baby Kinley couldn’t talk to me—she screamed at me all day and all night. Because of her reflux, she was in constant pain and could barely sleep for more than 20 minutes.  Not only that, she clung to me for four years.  She screamed whenever I left her.  One of my family members thought Kinley needed to be psychologically evaluated.  Her dependence on me was not normal.

By the time my baby was 6 months old, I had lost a lot of weight and looked unhealthy.  My body could not keep up with the demands of the baby--between breast-feeding and stress I had nothing left for me.  There was one memorable day when my husband came home and I was emotionally in pieces.  I looked and smelled awful.  I was covered in spit-up and my floor was covered with clutter.  I pined away, “I don’t know what I’m doing.  I can’t accomplish a thing.  Where is my life going?”   Kinley was taking her five minute nap at the time, so my husband took a picture of her off the wall and made me look at it.  “THIS!!!!” he firmly told me.  “You are accomplishing THIS!!!  Look at her!!!  See her fat rolls???  You did that!!!”

And 11 years later….look at that.

 

 

I couldn’t see the worth of all those seemingly meaningless mothering tasks at the time.  I can see it now—the places in my heart that were once filled with struggle and doubt are now full of joy and peace. Anyone who knows Kinley would have a hard time believing all the "trouble" she caused me as a newborn and toddler. I'll be the first to tell you—she's not normal, but she doesn't need psychologically evaluated. She now depends on the Lord as she once did on me. I could have traveled the world over to be a part of God’s work, but I’ve seen the Holy Spirit just as evident in my own home. I could write a long time about the good works displayed in her, but she's not the point.  It is the Seed that is good, but I got to plant it and construct the soil in which it would grow. I got to nurture that Seed in her.  God is still using us to prune each other. I don’t know if the future holds a period of rebellion on her part or not, but I am confident that the Lord has sealed her heart and claimed her as His. My husband and I more than halfway done raising Kinley, and it's thrilling to see her heart beat harder for missions than mine ever did. 

As I struggled through my purpose in life, I realized quickly that motherhood could not be my highest calling, or mothering would quickly become my idol. We are first and foremost children of God, and when we carry out that calling we help our children become like Him.  I've made the decision to spend my ideas and talents on the reality God has given me now, not an idea of something I may have in the future. 

I want to encourage every mother that your work is not going to waste if done in the name of Jesus.  Think of the woman with the alabaster jar (Mark 14:3-9). She broke the bottle that held her most expensive possession and poured the perfume on the feet of Jesus. The disciples around her criticized her in their hearts because what could have fed the poor immediately around her was spent on the future of one man. Jesus didn’t think it was a waste.  He said “she has done what she could”.  I urge you, young mom, to break the jar that holds your dreams and desires and pour it all out on Jesus by serving your family. When you break your jar, let it spill into the homes of others so they can be anointed and refreshed also. Let what you do in your home proclaim the Gospel to the world.  Don’t try to hold on to a few drops or long for the fragrance back like I did—it will rob the joy out of you.  Break your jar with confidence so the Lord may produce bigger dreams in your children than you could have dreamt for yourself.

 

Spray Paint and Spiritual Things

I'm sure my aunt and uncle had a lot of faults; funny thing is, I was never aware of them. He's a laid-back, patient man who gets amused by the tiniest things and she's a friendly, hospitable farmer's wife that always had a meal for you. I loved playing at their house when I was a child. I chased cats in the barn, fed their cows, played hide-and-seek, and spray painted their wall.

Somehow in my free time as a 6 or 7 year old, I found a can of spray paint and took it to the brick wall of my uncle and aunt's enclosed back porch. I don't know why I did it, but I remember the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I knew I had to show my relatives what I had done. I don't remember what they said to me, but I do recall they weren't angry as my parents justifiably were. My aunt and uncle didn't discipline me and I knew I should have been.

Last night as my kids tricked and treated, they got to meet these relatives for the first time.  Over 25 years after the incident, my children got to see the evidence of my childhood mishaps. My aging uncle turned on the dim light to the back porch and pulled back his jackets that hung on the wall. There it was....clear as.....black spray paint on a red wall. As my kids squealed with delight over their mother's mischief, the conversation went something like this:

Kids: "Mom, I can not believe you did that."
Me:  "Me either."
Kids: "If we would have done that, we would have gotten a spanking."
Me: "Yes. Yes you would."
Kids:  "WHAT were you thinking?"
Me: "I don't know.  What could I have been thinking?"
Kids: "I guess you were thinking that wall could use some re-decorating."

My uncle's reaction was strange. He chuckled years ago, and today he is still genuinely laughing about the whole ordeal. He told me that he passed by the "artwork" the other day and thought of me.  My uncle and aunt sat at their table in amusement and said "if that's the worst thing that's ever been done to us, we'd be doin' alright."

My uncle never had to muster up the right feeling when it came to that stuff; he automatically responded well when children messed things up. There's a reason Aunt Peggy and Uncle LD didn't react in explosive anger.  When they built the walls of their house, they weren't thinking of resale value. They were thinking of the value of the people in their home. Though they had every right to lash out at me over the permanent markings, they chalked it up to the fact that kids do stupid things and it doesn't necessarily mean they'll turn out to be stupid people. 

Last night made me think a lot about the things I want to pass down to my kids. Do I want to pass down shiny heirlooms that sit on a shelf, untouched by grimy hands? Do I want something tangible that can be admired by observers?  Because the truth is: the prettier something is, the less it's been used. Fine china doesn't give my kids their daily nourishment--they are fed by the bowls with dents and nicks.  Each scrape, scratch and scuff on my dining room table tell the story of a happy kid who was coloring or eating or running their toy car across it. 

I want to pass down useful qualities, unseen by the eye. I want to be a parent who is strict on love, and lax on stuff.  When people look at my kids and grandkids, I want them to see the handy artwork of Jesus: in the flesh, a man strangely unattached to things. The Son of God left this world homeless, His only possession being the people He left behind.

My childhood actions defaced the wall in my uncle and aunt's house. Their reaction left a permanent mark in my heart.

Father, Hallow Your Name This Halloween......

"Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done."

Years ago, I started praying the first line of the Lord's prayer for various occasions. I by no means remember to do it all the time, but it has become a regular practice. The kids will hear me pray before bed, "Father, glorify your name through our family." On the way to various events, I'll pray specifically that God will use my kid to honor Him. I have found it to be the most powerful sentence I've ever uttered, and one in which God always responds with "will do".

This year, my husband can't be with me and the kids for Halloween, so I filled the week with complaints (complaining and cynicism come so naturally for me). But then I asked the Lord to help me be creative (creativity only comes supernaturally for me). "Father, glorify your name in Halloween. Use us to bring honor to you." The Lord brought to mind that there are other people who are lonely every Halloween. There are widows in nursing homes and shut-ins in isolated houses who remember their childhood days but have no children to currently celebrate with. So tomorrow, the kids (in their cute little costumes) and I will be taking little gifts to some lonely elderly people. We'll go to a nursing home, and also visit some of the wonderful, aging people who watched me grow-up--people who are part of my spiritual heritage and have never met my kids.

I think when it comes to holidays and special events, God is all about redeeming them. No matter how the customs originated or why certain people celebrate certain things, as a Christian I have the freedom to celebrate Christ on any day that He has given me. My family's practices for Halloween (or any holiday) are aligned with Colossians 3:16-17, "Therefore, let no one pass judgment on you in questions of food and drink, or with regard to a festival or a new moon or a Sabbath. These are a shadow of the things to come, but the substance belongs to Christ."

The way I see it, on any given Halloween, you've got 5 options. You can be:
1) scary
2) slutty
3) seclusive
4) sanctifying
5) serving
You can pick for yourself the ones not fitting for Christians.

Tomorrow, my family will be doing # 5. Tonight I watched a very special friend do # 4. If you've known me for any length of time, you've heard me talk about Sabrina. Her husband died a year ago, and she is left alone to raise a 3 year old boy and 1 year old girl. At her Halloween party tonight, friends gathered around her living room. Sabrina stood in the circle and expressed her greatest desire--that God would use her and her little family to produce spiritual fruit in which they could be useful to others. She passed oil around and asked us all to annoint her house and set it apart for the Lord's will. She prayed (oh I love to hear that woman pray) and then several adults scattered around the house praying individually.

It was a very emotional experience for me. I prayed that God would bring laughter and discipleship at Sabrina's couch. I prayed that God would use her fridge to nourish her body and that her kitchen would provide spiritual nourishment to all who entered it. I prayed at her bedpost that God would give her rest. I prayed at her desk (a place with pen and paper and computer), that God would send His Spirit upon her as she wrote. She's an incredible writer who has been bringing glory to God for years through that talent. Of course, these petitions are things God has already done and is doing and will continue to do.

On October 30, 2011 I had the privilege of watching a woman dressed like this.......


make a worship event out of a party. With the curls of her big blonde wig bouncing as she spoke, Sabrina stood in the middle of her peers and testified about God's faithfulness. She used a celebration to put Christ right in the center.

And so after tonight, though many may disagree, I'm convinced that God has always been, is, and will continue to hallow his name at Halloween.

Store Clerks, Stereotypes, and the Savior: going from mundane to missional

My kids and I were happily strolling down-town stores in the town that I recently lived in.  When we walked into the doors of one particular shop, the clerk was clearly upset, screaming, and liberally using f-bombs and other four letter words amidst her one-sided conversation.  I was appalled that the woman lacked professionalism, didn’t seem to “see” my young children, and was in no way in a hurry to get off the phone and “serve” the customer that stood before her.  My natural instincts kicked in …I grabbed the kids, turned around, and fully intended to walk out.

There I stood facing the doorway.  And there I stood facing the gentle question of the Holy Spirit: “What are you more afraid of?  Your kids hearing a few dirty words or the state of this woman’s soul?” 

I immediately realized I was being a hypocrite.  You see, I’ve taught bible studies on engaging the world.  I would say that I’m passionate about missional living.  Last week, I spent a significant amount of time talking with my children about loving people even when it’s hard. I specifically taught them that “love perseveres…we don’t turn and run away from people just to make it easy on ourselves.”  It’s so easy to say those things in the safety of the “classroom”.  It looks great on paper.  It’s messy in reality.  It’s down-right uncomfortable and unpredictable when it violates the shelter I rightfully want to put around my kids. 

With three kids in hand and a huffy attitude I wondered, “what am I REALLY teaching my kids?”  So I turned back around.  The employee made her way out of the store to finish her conversation and then awkwardly came back in the store to assist me.  It was time to cut the tension and get it out of the air with a simple “Are you okay?”

I wish I could recount the next few minutes. The unkept woman gushed.  Her story involved a 7 year relationship with a passive man who was a momma’s baby, cruel and twisted parents, a car accident, lots of stitches, being raped by someone who claimed he was clergy and having a daughter as a result.  I wondered why this woman didn’t have the sense to lower her voice when she said the words “rape” and “sex” around my kids (who were staring intently at us), and then it occurred to me that those matters were normal and familiar to her.  That life was all she knew.  She hadn’t been around church long enough to know that you when people ask how you’re doing, you say “fine”.

The woman cried.  I hugged her.  She thanked me for caring.  She wasn’t at all the raging lunatic she appeared to be when we first walked into the store.  We talked about Jesus.  I referred her to the church I once went to when I lived there.  I didn’t fully share the Gospel with her because two firemen came in and were intent about getting upstairs and on the roof of the building.  It was one of the strangest experiences I’ve had.  I don’t know what the firemen were so adamant about, but the kids and I had to walk out of the store, down the sidewalk, and past several men who were staring at the building.

As soon as we were out of earshot, my oldest kid said to me, “I really don’t understand what just went on.” 

“What did you hear?”

“That lady was really upset about something.  You told her about Jesus.”

Amazing.  My kids weren’t the least bit tainted.  Their vocabulary wasn’t expanded.  I  did not have to answer any hard questions or explain new words.

In no way do I think children ought to be exposed to every evil under the sun.  I fully intend to protect my children from harm, certain influences, agendas, experiences, people, etc.  However, I’m tired of the parental mindset that spends too much time keeping children away from the “bad people”.  

Would you believe that I have listened to a multitude of young adults who needed counseling and not a one of them wanted spiritual guidance because they felt neglected, abused, or misunderstood by a stranger?  I can only think of one in about a hundred college students who still deal with the hurt from a bully at school.  I don’t believe I’ve ever heard  “the poor, dirty people are really making my life miserable.”  The Christians I know who entered their adult years with unresolved issues had frustrations with someone in the family or in the church.  More often than not, their struggle is with their own parents.

It’s a sobering reality. Who will protect my children from me?  No one sins against them more than I do—I’m the one who’s around them all the time.   The store clerk, my children, and I are not all that different: we are in desperate need of Jesus.  Jesus has already taken care of my salvation; I need Him to keep chipping away my self-righteousness.  Understanding this is the only way I’m going to see past the stereotypes, take the time to love people, and help my children know the heart of the real Jesus.

So how's it REALLY going?

Let me catch you up on our family life. We recently moved to a new town and live in a house that isn't ours. We are the recipients of someone else's grace for this school year. The house is huge and I love it. I once struggled to fit 5 people's stuff into small living quarters; now I struggle to keep 4 bathrooms loaded with toilet paper. Kinley said when she walks to her bedroom, she feels like she's walking to our Fort Smith neighbor's house.
Cade has a lot of fun exploring this place during the daytime--I never know where I'll find him next. I might have to jump over him as he rolls out of a doorway wrapped in a sheet, or watch my head for swinging feet....

(You must be jealous of the multi-colored tile and the stain glassed windows. This house screams 70's.)
Come nightfall, Cade's favorite word for his new dwelling place is "creepy". He doesn't sleep in his room anymore. In fact, he hops from bed to couch to couch several times a week. I'm taking notes to warn his future wife...Cade doesn't sleep in the same place two nights in a row. I hope future Mrs. Cade likes variety and surprises.
Kaci doesn't say much about living here unless she's repeating older brother or sister. She is happy to have more space to spread out more toys. If you look around, it's obvious she has been in every.single.room.

Because we don't know where we'll live next year, we are homeschooling. We plan to send the kids back to school in 2012 as a kindergartener (Kaci), 2nd grader (Cade) , and 4th grader (Kinley). Several have asked how homeschooling is going. Kinley's first poem of the year should give you some perspective:

Ahhh...the power of free expression. Cade loathes being taught by me and has made sure to tell me many times. But we have made great strides and no one has cried in a week. You see, the question is not can I homeschool? I have a B.S.E. in education--surely I will not mess up my kids. The question is: can we enjoy homeschool? We are still working on the fun part and it is a goal I plan for us all to obtain. The kids are every bit as social as their mom and dad, so yes, there is a bit of a struggle. Kinley needs a friend. Please pray for that. The girls really miss their Fort Smith friends. Cade does too, but doesn't express it like the girls.

Last week, I got to start setting up an old office in the house to make an official "school room". It's really an attempt to make myself feel like I have it together.

I've still got to find some teaching material that is packed in the garage, and when I can put everything in its place, we are going to have a lot more fun. It's hard to get a good routine down when you travel as much as we do. But who am I kidding? I've never liked routine anyway. (For instance, I did not know it was normal to have an invisible seating chart at the dinner table. I think musical plates is fun--my husband finds it frustrating. This is what my children have to deal with when they have me 24/7.) But soon, I will find my groove of a somewhat-organized, learn-as-we-go, shell-of-a-routine, spontaneous, teacher that I can be. But an isolated homeschool mom I can not be. I'm changing the system to "roadschooling."

From Single to Married: the Do's and Don'ts

Sometimes, well-meaning Christian ministers, parents, and friends are too quick to tell un-married people "just pray and wait. The right one will come along some day." I've been guilty of it myself, and am here to publicly apologize. There are practical things (some straight out of the pages of the Bible) that can help singles be more intentional and prepared to meet their future spouse. I would like to address some of them here. This is not a "recipe" for getting married. You can not follow Steps 1, 2, 3 and expect "Mr. or Mrs. Right" to suddenly appear. It is possible for someone to desperately long for a spouse, be and do all the right things, and never get that desire met this side of Heaven. Since I think being unable to find a spouse is the exception and not the rule, I will speak to the majority.

* Yes, Christian. Wait on God. But don't use that as an excuse not to work for God.

* If you really want to be married one day, make sure the only thing keeping you from it is God's timing. It may be wise to finish some education, explore a mission experience, or get started in a new career. Don't let laziness, lack of biblical knowledge, or failure to control yourself be the reasons you don't find a spouse.

* Women: do not fall in the trap of chasing good men. It's not attractive. Instead, commit to good works borne out of godly character. If you find a way to practice good works in the presence of godly men, you'll be set apart from the average woman. While God ordained the marriage of Ruth and Boaz, Ruth knew how to "get in the way."

* Some people are too picky. Some people aren't picky enough. Your list of "negotiables" should be longer than your "non-negotiables."

* You've heard it said not to change who you are. But you can capitilize on certain aspects. My husband Chris is a huge baseball fan. I can't keep up with him on stats, players, teams, etc. But when I was interested in him, I made sure he knew I could throw a baseball.  When I "aimed at his heart" and put the ball in the center of his glove.....he was hooked ;)

* Women: beauty should not be your idol. But again, 100% natural isn't a good thing, so be intentional. Let's face it: Eve was the only woman who didn't have the effects of original sin on her body. For the rest of us, we've got imperfections. I don't care who you are, you can not be attractive to all men...Stop trying. However, you CAN be attractive to SOME man...Start working.

* For men, one of the best practical ways to prepare for marriage is to learn how to make good decisions. Decision-making will be a major part of how you lead your family. For women, do not be prone to arguments. Nags are annoying. Learn how to disagree in a peacable way. Ask godly men and women how they've grown in these areas. Learn from their mistakes so you don't have to make them!

* In the age of social media, be careful about reading everyone else's "awesome" life. It can set you up for bitterness and jealousy--highly unattractive qualities. Get out and live a life worth writing about. (The biblical women commended for their faith served others in simple, obtainable ways.) If you never get married because of it, you'll at least be useful.

* There are some really good books about dating/marriage, but some books are dangerous. If you want a recommendation, I will be glad to send you some, but I think the best way to understand marriage is to have a comprehensive understanding of the Bible and relationship between Christ and the Church. I agree with Solomon that "there is no end to the making of books [or blogs], and much study is weary to the body." (Ecc 12:12)

* Don't use the Church, but DO utilize the Church. Find you a bible teaching, Jesus-centered, Gospel-drenched church. If you can find a single's group somewhere, don't be afraid to join it.  If there are no singles in the building of the church you attend, utilize the global Church (Christians who care about you) to help you meet other un-married people.

* If you are someone who has no trouble finding dates, but trouble finding the "right one", you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you have a hard time committing? Are you afraid of something? Is your view of marriage Gospel-centered? Is there a pattern to what those of the opposite sex say to you? Ask God to search your heart.

*My final plea is to single men who are walking with Jesus and would like the gift of marriage. Not to perfect men, but those who obey the commands of Scripture and repent when they don't. Not to rich men, but men who are financially wise and working hard at their jobs. Not to men who never struggle with lust, but who know how to escape temptation. To men who are not hot-tempered and understand that marriage is a mission and ministry in and of itself: It is possible that you should begin a more intentional search for a godly wife. Think about where the godly women are. Think about who knows godly women. Be willing to get outside of your natural surroundings. Get a righteous man to pray for you and pray over you--out loud.


You can consider me right. You can consider me wrong. You can consider me crazy. But on behalf of frustrated singles everywhere, I prefer you consider me "Abraham's servant". :)