I was having a conversation with a godly man from my church when
my oldest daughter was two years old. My
toddler began to throw a fit, so loud and so distracting that I couldn’t hear
what the man was saying. I was
embarrassed by my child’s actions, but what came next was mortifying. This man that I respect began to tell me that
I needed to discipline my child. When I
gave my reasons for not doing so at the moment, he proceeded to further
instruct me on my strong-willed child and my push-over parenting. I told him that I did not let my child do
whatever she wanted. His response: “Yes
you do. I’ve watched you at church.” I gave more excuses, and so this older
gentleman brought another woman into the conversation, to share her story, give
me further instruction about discipline, and show me the specific “how-to’s”.
I’m not sure how you would react to such a situation. For me, I was beyond embarrassed. There was a part of me that never wanted to
go to that church again. I didn’t know
how I could ever look that man in the eye.
I was offended and hurt, and I cried a lot.
But there was another part of me that knew he was
right. I began reading what the Bible
had to say about discipline and parenting.
I read 15 parenting books in the next two years. What that man helped me realize is that I had
a problem with being in authority over my child. I parented out of fear. That conversation is what sparked a life-time
of learning and changing for me: I read, I prayed, I instructed my children, I
began disciplining my children in a God-honoring way. While I appreciate all the times other people
have encouraged me or complimented me, those comments have not altered the
course of my parenting like that conversation seven years ago. I am forever grateful that he had the courage
to be firm with me and to see through all of my excuses. My children have benefited greatly by the
temporary “wound” this man gave me.
That experience motivated me to also be a person who is
willing to say the hard things in life. Jesus didn’t say we are never to judge;
He actually sets forth the parameters by which are to judge. Matthew 7:5 “You hypocrite, first take the log
out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of
your brother’s eye.” John 7:24 “do not judge by appearances, but judge with
right judgment.”
All of us have been hypocrites at one time or another. We get disgusted by an action or quality in a
person and within the same day are guilty of it ourselves. I happen to admit that I am sometimes a
hypocrite. That’s one of the many
reasons I need Jesus and a steady dose of the Bible guiding my life. But once I have noticed a sin in my own life,
I am called to repent (meaning I no longer respond to sin how I used to; the
lure is gone.) Then I can clearly see
how to help someone else do the same. Jesus tells us to judge with right
judgment. We are to look beyond what the
eye can see and get to the heart of the matter.
There are times I judge wrongly.
There are times I judge rightly and stay silent, which isn’t helpful for
anyone. There are times I make people
mad and need to ask for forgiveness, but other times they later thank me. I am still in process of learning how to
carry out this command with faithfulness and wisdom.
You see, there is a difference between making a judgment and
being judgmental. One is a necessary
action, the other a nasty attitude. It
would never be appropriate for me to be judgmental and say “ugh, do you see
what you are doing? You must be a
slut.” It IS appropriate for me to
rightfully judge: “girl, do you see what you are doing? You are bringing glory to yourself (or a
specific sin) instead of God. What you
are doing is hindering your relationship with the Lord. ”
I do not tell someone they are in the wrong because I think
I’m better than them; I am not… I just think God’s ways are better than mine
and theirs. I do not want people to live the life that I live; I want them
to have the God that I have. I am not the standard, and so to my dying day
I plan on pointing others to the One who is.
I do not point out sin because I think I am so good and awesome. It is quite the opposite. I am
not good--I know how bad I am. I have
seen the wickedness of my own heart. I
am “prone to wander”. There have been
times in my life that I tasted what the world had to offer. I found it fun at the moment, but it did not
digest well. Sin now makes me want to
vomit. And so I no longer feed my soul
the kind of poison Jesus had to die for.
There are so many times I think “who am I to say
anything?” Well, I know exactly who I
am. I am the chief of sinners who is no
longer a slave to sin. I am a forgiven child
of God. Struggling with sin is no
longer an option in my life because I know how to fight it. And I am winning. Jesus won this battle for my heart, and He therefore
qualifies me to help fight the sin in others.
God has broken me, showed me who He is, and what I am not. So when I sense that someone I love is headed
toward danger, I no longer waste my time asking “who am I to speak truth?”
Instead, I respond like Isaiah: “Here am I…..Lord, send me.”
If you are one of my Christian brothers or sisters who is
understandably a little nervous about being labeled intolerant or judgmental, I
encourage you to read Galatians 6:1-10.
It is better to gently offend your brethren than allow them to be caught
in what unknowingly harms them.
