The Secret Sins of Friends: how to pick your friends and future spouse

It sobered my heart when my 9 year old daughter asked me, "How will I really know if the man I marry is a Christian. What if he says he is, and then I marry him, but find out later that he's not?"

She didn't ask this question because she watches TV or reads magazines. She didn't ask  because of school kid's parents. She asked this question because she is heavily involved in the church. She asks because we, her parents, have had friend after friend desert the faith. My kids have watched dads walk out on their playgroup buddies. My kids have experienced the reality of divorce, not from a screen or a school or their own parents, but from our shared meals with friends, acquaintances, and church-goers.

As parents, we teach the Bible to help understand the issues of life.  Our 7 year old son knows the stories of David, Solomon, and Abraham. Our son recalled the great faith and folly of these men, and so he asked: "how do I know if I'm going to follow God when I'm old? What if I mess up like they did? It's easy to do the right thing when you're a kid." My son didn't need the screen or the school to teach him the deprivation of the human heart--he figured it out just by reading Scripture.

There is a lot of wisdom in those kids' questions. The truth is, no one turns into a crappy spouse or person overnight. No one has impecable character for years, and then suddenly commits a moral catastrophe mid-life. There are often warning signs. If left un-checked and never repented of, the blunders of child-hood, the little white lies, the secret sins of the teenager will become the famous follies of the adult.

Jesus, His Gospel and salvation, is the critical foundation for this life and the next. But just because someone claims to know Jesus, can articulate the Gospel, and may be genuinely saved, doesn't mean he or she is a wise person. Foolish people reak havoc on themselves and the people they are around.

One hope or goal for my children is that by the time they leave our house, they will have mastered the Proverbs. I want them to learn how to be wise, what character looks like, how to find friends and spouses who are wise, and how to identify a fool.

Proverbs is a critical book of the Bible for wise living and in my opinion, the best book about relationships. The writer spends most of his time comparing and contrasting the wise and the foolish, so that we ourselves can become wise and knowledgable people. The writer also concentrates much of his time teaching his children who to be friends with. (Prov 1:10-19,12:26, 13:20, 14:7, 18:24, 23:20, 24:1, 24:21, 27:9-10, 27:17, 28:7, 29:3) Contrary to popular belief, the caliber of one's own friends reveals (not determines) what kind of person one is. Bad friends don't corrupt good kids. Bad kids find bad friends. Immature kids find immature friends. Wise people have wise friends. The company one keeps reveals a lot about the character of one's heart, and what is important to him. Therefore,  it is important to guard your inner circle. You should be friendly to many, but be careful who you befriend. You can (and probably should) have many acquaintances and many dinner conversations, but the friends you allow to influence you should be focused and carefully selected.
Here's a list of the kinds of people the Proverbs talk about. These are the character qualities all of us need to be mindful of. The following "people" are who you want to be, and who you want your friends/spouse to be:

Patient Pat
(Proverbs 10:18, 16:32, 19:2, 19:11, 20:21,20:25, 21:5, 22:26-27, 23:4, 25:8, 27:15-16, 29:20)
Impatient people will make horrible life decisions and rack up debt quickly. They will be quick to do the wrong thing to satisfy their own timing. Their impulsiveness can lead them to bad business deals, affairs, and horrible parenting styles.

Benevolant Benny and Generous Gwen
Prov. 11:24-26, 14:21,15:21, 17:5,19:17, 21:13, 22:9, 22:16, 22:22-23, 28:27, 28:25, 29:7, 31:20
The proverbs are adamant about being kind toward the poor and generous with belongings. A love for the poor is a sign of deeper character qualities. It is by no means a sin to be rich, but one should be generous with his riches. The greedy person, or one who holds too tightly to his money, will eventually do unimaginable things for his own selfish gain. (Remember Judas.)

Teachable Terry
Proverbs 11:14, 17:10, 19:20, 20:18, 24:6
Stay away from the stubborn person! A teachable spirit is of high value. A person who continually seeks godly advice about life decisions will not make many stupid ones.

Honorable Henry
Proverbs 20:20, 23:22, 30:17
You think it's okay to badmouth your parents? Think again. Remember that "Honor thy Father and Mother" is the only one of the 10 Commandments with a promise. It's just true--life generally goes well for the respectful kid, no matter what his age. A man or woman who continually disrespects his parents is headed for trouble, and you don't want to be with them with God lets them have the fruit of their ways.


FRIENDS/SPOUSES THAT YOU DON'T WANT and WHO YOU DON'T WANT TO BE:

Angry Adam and the Quarrelsome Queen
Proverbs 17:1, 17:19, 19:13,19:19, 20:3, 21:19, 22:24, 25:24, 29:11, 29:22
Living with a hot-tempered man is hell on earth. A person prone to anger has all kinds of "hidden" idols, and you'll soon find they love to control, manipulate, and dominate.
Likewise, Solomon found no kind of woman more troubling than one who argues all the time. Solomon compares the quarrelsome queen to that annoying, constant drip out of the sink; he would rather be poor, have yucky dry dinners, live in a corner of a roof, or a desert than be in the house with a girl who argues.

Gabby Gossip and Chattering Charlie
Proverbs 10:8, 10:19, 11:9,11:12, 13 , 12:16, 13:3, 16:26-27, 17:9, 17:27, 20:19, 21:9, 21:23, 25:9-10
If one can not control her tongue, she has not trained her heart. She will tear people down to make herself look better. She will reveal information about you that is meant to be private. She has no discretion and it will rip you apart if you stay in her company for long.

Lazy Larry and Sally Sluggard
Prov 10:4,5, 10:26, 12:11, 12:24,12:27, 18:9, 19:15, 19:24, 20:13, 21:25-26, 22:13, 24:30-34, 26:13-16, 28:19, 31:13-19
Look at these verses about the value of working hard! Work was the first thing he told Adam and Eve to do in the garden. People are meant to work. Lazy people will hold up progress and frustrate everyone they're around. The sluggard is paranoid someone is always out to devour him; he won't be confident in his own ability to get the job done. Lazy people chase fantasies instead of working plans. Be careful of the dreamers who are never do-ers!

Flattering Floyd and Charla Charmer
Proverbs 10:10a,16:30, 26:24-26, 28:23, 29:5, 31:30
Have you ever met those people who are constant flatterers? That's a sign that they are deceptive. If they over-compliment you, beware, because they are hiding something.

Debbie Downer and Depressing Dan
Proverbs 17:22, 18:14
It's a well-known fact that "Debbie-downers" will suck the life right out of the people they are around. Most people get depressed here or there, but constant whining and lack of joy are not the subtle qualities you want creeping into your life. The mopers spend too much of their time watching the news and other people, and too little time looking to Jesus for their hope. They'll grow bitter, and nothing you ever do will be good enough for them.

***
There are other qualities mentioned in Proverbs that are signs of a person who is growing in wisdom. You want to find and be a person who is self-controlled, (25:28) friendly, ( 18:1) kind, (11:16,17) knowledgable, (19:2) seeks understanding, (17;27, 18:22) fears the Lord, (19:23)takes responsibility for own sin,(19:3, 28:13) takes action when warned, (22:3, 27:12) and who is concerned with doing the right thing just because it is the right thing to do (20:11, 21:3). The Proverbs also warn against the people who only see things his or her way ( 26:12, 28:26, 30:12). There are people in life who have their own view of reality and their stubborness will confuse and cripple others. Prov 27:4 warns that jealousy can be more burdensome to live with than anger. The jealous person will try to control everything in your life. Also be careful of those who are constantly seeking new experiences (21:17)--they will eventually outspend your budget.

You may have found qualities in this list that get you in trouble. If you had a little "ouch" moment, take heart: that's a sign that you are teachable. Let the Word of God convict you. Let these qualities challenge you, Christ change you, and may these sins not characterize you.

How to Get Any Jesus-loving Woman to Fall Madly in Love with You (maybe even your wife)

Maybe I stretched the truth a little in the title.  I have no guarantees in life except Jesus.  I  put all of my eggs in His basket, and everything else is in the “generally-true” category.  But I think there really is a “secret” in earning the admiration of a lady that every single guy needs to know and every married man needs to remember.  Most men can catch a woman way out of their league if they would learn this trait:

Lead well. 

What does it mean to be a good leader?  My favorite image from Scripture is the role of a shepherd.  A shepherd takes care of business and is a hard worker. He is tender with his sheep.  He looks after those he is responsible for.  He not only manages well, he looks to the future so his flock doesn’t die out.  He sets boundaries for the sheep, moves them to green pastures, teaches them how to stay together, grooms them, feeds them, and runs after lost ones.  When he brings in his fold at night, he lays down at the gate to keep wolves from getting in. He literally lays his life down to protect his sheep.  And most importantly, he knows what to do with the wolves if they ever find their way to his sheep.  He doesn’t pet the wolf or try to make it his friend: the good shepherd knows how and when to fight.

How have we reduced Christianity to a “be nice” religion? Allow me to rant for a little bit.  I love it that my husband is kind and nice and knows how to control his temper because I really don’t want holes knocked in my wall.  But I am proud of the fact that I have a man who gets angry about the things God is angry about.  I want a man who knows how to put a dent in the world’s injustice.  Nothing makes me more sick that a passive man who is content to pass his time away with vain pleasures.  And I am not alone.  I have watched one young woman after another become wildly infatuated with men who lead.  Men who:

n      make decisions

n      don’t let their quiet personalities keep them from being firm on issues of right and wrong

n      clean up the messes of weaker men

n      realize that as intelligent as their smart phone is, it doesn’t pay its own bill

n      can handle conflict better than their remote

n      are willing to hurt someone’s feelings in the short-run, so that they can be healed in the long-run

n      will do the right thing when no one is looking

n      take initiative

n      can correct others without condemning them 

n      don’t stop engaging their women at the moment the engagement ring fit her finger

n      treat others with respect, regardless of age

n      don’t let their women run over or manipulate them

n      will offend the “one” in the crowd to protect the hundreds

n      admit when they haven’t led well and make corrections

Ultimately, we women don’t expect our men to be perfect, but to be pictures of the Good Shepherd.  Ladies, please give examples of the things you like.  Let the secret out.  Let’s challenge and compliment our men when they don’t follow the pattern of the world.

A Single Girl's Scenario

It's no secret that single women are frustrated when it comes to dating relationships.  It is common for a girl to ask me how aggressive or passive she should be when it comes to the guy she likes.  She wants to do things in a godly manner, so does that mean she just sits around and waits for a man to make every move?

I just learned that Martin Luther rescued 12 nuns from a monestary who desperately wanted to leave the single life and become wives and mothers. Martin had found a home and a husband for 11 of them, but couldn't find a man for Katharina von Bora. The fiesty woman told Luther that if he couldn't find her a husband, he would have to man up and marry her himself (not in those exact words--that's a 2012 translation). Eventually the two got married in 1525.

It reminds me of a time when Chris and I were dating. After leaving a restaurant, I threw him some pocket change and told him he needed to be saving his money. He laughed and asked what in the world I could be talking about. But he knew what I was talking about. We both knew. I just didn't know that he had already bought the ring.

It's very easy for single women to complain about men not stepping up or taking initiative. I know it's frustrating. But you need to know that no man finds whining attractive. A woman will do better if she stops complaining about the state of men, and starts challenging them. A man worth his salt will rise to a challenge, but will run away from a complainer.

From Single to Married: the Do's and Don'ts

Sometimes, well-meaning Christian ministers, parents, and friends are too quick to tell un-married people "just pray and wait. The right one will come along some day." I've been guilty of it myself, and am here to publicly apologize. There are practical things (some straight out of the pages of the Bible) that can help singles be more intentional and prepared to meet their future spouse. I would like to address some of them here. This is not a "recipe" for getting married. You can not follow Steps 1, 2, 3 and expect "Mr. or Mrs. Right" to suddenly appear. It is possible for someone to desperately long for a spouse, be and do all the right things, and never get that desire met this side of Heaven. Since I think being unable to find a spouse is the exception and not the rule, I will speak to the majority.

* Yes, Christian. Wait on God. But don't use that as an excuse not to work for God.

* If you really want to be married one day, make sure the only thing keeping you from it is God's timing. It may be wise to finish some education, explore a mission experience, or get started in a new career. Don't let laziness, lack of biblical knowledge, or failure to control yourself be the reasons you don't find a spouse.

* Women: do not fall in the trap of chasing good men. It's not attractive. Instead, commit to good works borne out of godly character. If you find a way to practice good works in the presence of godly men, you'll be set apart from the average woman. While God ordained the marriage of Ruth and Boaz, Ruth knew how to "get in the way."

* Some people are too picky. Some people aren't picky enough. Your list of "negotiables" should be longer than your "non-negotiables."

* You've heard it said not to change who you are. But you can capitilize on certain aspects. My husband Chris is a huge baseball fan. I can't keep up with him on stats, players, teams, etc. But when I was interested in him, I made sure he knew I could throw a baseball.  When I "aimed at his heart" and put the ball in the center of his glove.....he was hooked ;)

* Women: beauty should not be your idol. But again, 100% natural isn't a good thing, so be intentional. Let's face it: Eve was the only woman who didn't have the effects of original sin on her body. For the rest of us, we've got imperfections. I don't care who you are, you can not be attractive to all men...Stop trying. However, you CAN be attractive to SOME man...Start working.

* For men, one of the best practical ways to prepare for marriage is to learn how to make good decisions. Decision-making will be a major part of how you lead your family. For women, do not be prone to arguments. Nags are annoying. Learn how to disagree in a peacable way. Ask godly men and women how they've grown in these areas. Learn from their mistakes so you don't have to make them!

* In the age of social media, be careful about reading everyone else's "awesome" life. It can set you up for bitterness and jealousy--highly unattractive qualities. Get out and live a life worth writing about. (The biblical women commended for their faith served others in simple, obtainable ways.) If you never get married because of it, you'll at least be useful.

* There are some really good books about dating/marriage, but some books are dangerous. If you want a recommendation, I will be glad to send you some, but I think the best way to understand marriage is to have a comprehensive understanding of the Bible and relationship between Christ and the Church. I agree with Solomon that "there is no end to the making of books [or blogs], and much study is weary to the body." (Ecc 12:12)

* Don't use the Church, but DO utilize the Church. Find you a bible teaching, Jesus-centered, Gospel-drenched church. If you can find a single's group somewhere, don't be afraid to join it.  If there are no singles in the building of the church you attend, utilize the global Church (Christians who care about you) to help you meet other un-married people.

* If you are someone who has no trouble finding dates, but trouble finding the "right one", you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you have a hard time committing? Are you afraid of something? Is your view of marriage Gospel-centered? Is there a pattern to what those of the opposite sex say to you? Ask God to search your heart.

*My final plea is to single men who are walking with Jesus and would like the gift of marriage. Not to perfect men, but those who obey the commands of Scripture and repent when they don't. Not to rich men, but men who are financially wise and working hard at their jobs. Not to men who never struggle with lust, but who know how to escape temptation. To men who are not hot-tempered and understand that marriage is a mission and ministry in and of itself: It is possible that you should begin a more intentional search for a godly wife. Think about where the godly women are. Think about who knows godly women. Be willing to get outside of your natural surroundings. Get a righteous man to pray for you and pray over you--out loud.


You can consider me right. You can consider me wrong. You can consider me crazy. But on behalf of frustrated singles everywhere, I prefer you consider me "Abraham's servant". :)