Parenting Philosophies and the Perplexing Plethora of Publications

Ten years ago this month, I became a primarily stay-at-home mom.  Three kids later, I have encountered another huge life change—my youngest child entered kindergarten.  The pre-school days have come and gone for me.  Some of those long days are a blur, but I remember well the anxiety I had about being a new mom.  I did not feel prepared to adequately handle the job, so I asked a lot of questions to those more experienced and set out to read books.  The first two I read were written by acclaimed Christian authors about taking care of a newborn. The content and practical application of those two books were completely opposite of one another, with bible verses to support each author’s philosophy.

I knew several families at the time who were very familiar with Babywise.  That book alone helped some of my friends have a peaceful and restful life.  That book also led some families down a path of tremendous heartache, like my dear friend whose child nearly died because of the counsel and the content of that book and the teachers/support group who taught it.

I was so confused.  Which way is right?  How can one philosophy bring both help and heartache to its readers?  Since that time, I have read a lot of books, but I think being an avid reader is both helpful and dangerous.  It’s helpful when authors teach us how to think.  It’s borderline dangerous when they tell you what to do about anything not clearly laid out in Scripture.

Here is my attempt to help those who like to read know what to look for while they are reading.  Parenting books generally fall into one of three categories:

Child-centered parenting or child-directive approach:

Within this philosophy, children’s bents, personalities, schedules, and the children themselves become the focal point of the home.  Much secular behavioral psychology stems from this philosophy.  Followed to its end, this philosophy gives license and creates entitlement.

Parent-centered parenting or parent-directive approach:

Within this philosophy, the parents set the schedule and the expectations.  The parents’ personalities and bents are more central than the children’s.  Many Christian parenting books written in the 70’s and 80’s were written to combat the child-centered parenting philosophies, but the solutions were written from a parent-directive approach.  Followed to its end, parent-centered parenting promotes legalism and creates exasperation among the children.

Gospel-centered parenting or Bible-based parenting:

One has to be very careful with putting books in this category.  Not every Bible-claiming book is Gospel-centered or Jesus-loving.  No matter how hard an author tries, he or she has a bent toward a child or parent directive approach.  However, with a Gospel-centered approach, the starting point of the philosophy lies neither with the child or parent.  Jesus’ expectations set the tone and schedule of the family.  Jesus is the Boss and the head of the home.

The Bible is the final authority in our home, we strive to keep Jesus the center, and apply the Gospel to every-day parenting.  With that being said, I have found other books written by Christian men and women to be helpful.  I read them with a critical eye, picking and choosing what I want to incorporate in my own home.  I'll admit, I am bent towards child-centered parenting.  I don't agree with that philosophy, it's just when I err, it is usually in that direction.

The Gospel for Real Life by Jerry Bridges:

The book has nothing to do with parenting.  The practical application of this book has everything to do with parenting.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp:

I found 80% of this book to be what I wanted my parenting to look like.  I disagree with his stance on spanking as the only physical discipline.  I hold many things in my “toolbox” of discipline.  No discipline is executed in our home without communicating, but I find time-outs, gracefully executed, have their time and place.

Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman:

This is a great follow-up to read after Shepherding a Child’s Heart.  Tripp and Plowman share the same parenting and counseling models, but Plowman gives more practical illustrations as a mother who has been there.

The Duties of Parents by JC Ryle:

This is not really a book, it’s a short pamphlet. It’s old-school and a bit legalist and rigid in my opinion, but really good for thinking through the responsibilities of parenthood.

Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas:

This book doesn’t focus on how to train your children, but rather how God uses children to train us.  I identified with Thomas’ struggles as a parent, and found the tension he described just as humorous in my own life.

Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving by Charles Swindoll:

I am ¾ of the way through this book so I can’t critique it well.  I can tell Swindoll has a child-centered bent but he uses the Bible as his starting place.  He encourages the parent to be a good student of the Bible and his or her own children.

A caution on James Dobson:

James Dobson has good things to say in every book he writes.  He is a brilliant man and I wish I had his brain.  However, readers just need to know that he himself claims not to be a theologian, but a psychologist.  Dobson starts with behavioral psychology and applies the Bible to it, not the other way around.  If you have a good Gospel-centered foundation, his tips are awesome and can help with short-term training.  But know that his teaching is about behavior modification, not heart change.  Followed to its end, his teaching can create robots or rebels.

Think of the Gospel as the leafy green things that are the base of your salad.   Any author’s methods are meant to be croutons or bacon bits or dressing.  They add great flavor.  Some think you can’t have a salad without these toppings.  That’s okay, but if your salad is primarily croutons, your children will have carb overload.  If you have a bowl of dressing with a couple of spinach leaves, your children can grow up to be fat diabetics with no nutrition.

Read.  Think.  Pray.  Scrutinize all teaching under the authority of Scripture.

The Boogery Woman: Boys, Porn, and Pretty Girls

It scares me to raise a boy.  I am well aware of sexual perversion and the prevalence of pornography.  A young man doesn’t have to work for his porn anymore; it’s readily available by the technological device he holds in his hand.  The quick access and numerous public moral fallouts are enough to make Christian women feel as if there is no hope for our children living pure lives.

I sometimes ask men who have admitted their struggle with pornography or sexual addictions how they would advise mothers and fathers to help their children.  Almost always, they will talk about limiting the time spent on the computer and internet.  But that kind of filter alone is not satisfactory to me.  Men were finding ways to look at naked women long before modern technology made it an easy task. 

Filtering the Internet is a practical step all parents should take while their kids are under their roofs.  But this will not solve the problem for a boy’s lifetime.  One day, my son will find a computer without a filter.  He may find himself at a friend’s house equipped with every cable channel.  He will most definitely walk around town in the midst of women dressed to draw attention.  So my son will have to learn to guard his heart first, and his iPhone second.  How can he fight such temptation? 

Psalm 119:9 “How can a young man keep his way pure?  By keeping it according to Your word.”

While I am happy to have a husband who does and will regularly talk to his children about relational things, I have made a conscious decision as a mother to turn my reasonable paranoia into productive pro-action.  I can not prevent 100% of the images my son will see, but I can plant biblical images in my young son’s mind.  Today’s humorous image came directly from Proverbs 11:22: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.”

I asked the kids if a gold ring is pretty, valueable, and desirable.  They said yes.  Then I asked them what they would think about the ring if it was in a pig snout.  My son wrinkled his nose and exclaimed, “Who would want a ring that was up a pig’s nose?  It’d have snot and boogers all over it!”   (The fact that Jesus would want her, and could clean her up is another discussion for another day.)  Here is what he drew as a way to visualize the meaning of the verse:

The circle in the middle is a close-up view of the pig’s nose.  You can hardly see the pretty woman in the nostril because she has boogers on her legs and arms, snot for a dress, and she’s covered in mud. 

I was a proud mom when my son told me, “When I see a woman not dressed appropriately…. if she doesn’t love Jesus…even if she’s beautiful, I’m gonna say ‘You’re covered in boogers and snot and mud!’”

I’m okay with that.  He’s seven now.  When he becomes a man and catches a glimpse of the senseless pretty woman, I will stand beside my teen and remind him:  “Boogers, son, boogers.  Wait for the gold ring covered by the blood of Christ.”

From Messy Mommy to Missional Motherhood

I had two childhood dreams: to be a country music singer and a foreign missionary.  I admit one desire was of the flesh and one was of the Spirit, but the two dreams worked beautifully in my mind.  I planned to spend all day in the dirt with the people and write/sing their stories at night.

I do not prefer to sit in church and talk about missions, raise money for missions, or read books about other people on the mission field. I am built by God to be the feet of the Body.  I like to go, see people face-to-face, and tell their story. I am happiest in life when I can see that I am personally making a difference, so you can imagine my giddy spirit when this mission dream seemed to become reality at the age of 23.  After spending a year as a missionary on an American college campus, my husband and I started the process to serve over-seas. We had lived off of my husband’s income and saved mine so that we could easily deploy. 3 days before the first plane ticket was to be bought for the first mission conference, I found out that I was pregnant. The mission agency put us on hold and wanted us to wait a year after having a child, but by that time we were pregnant with a second baby and had seen God re-define our plans and give us a clearer sense of my husband's calling.

Unfortunately, I was not happy to find out we were expecting. For me, having children was the death of a dream.  Raising children didn't fit in my plan:  I wanted to fix people who were already broken, not bring new people into this broken world.  It pained me to watch the money we saved to evangelize the poor go to raising our own kids. Nevertheless, I could not deny what God had planned and given us--we had decisions to make.

I know enough about child development to understand that the first five years of a child’s life are crucial.  But Titus 2 gave me a greater reason to stay home with my pre-schoolers: I did not want to dishonor the Word of God by chasing only my dreams and desires.  As a young woman, I needed to find the best way to love my husband and children.  I set out to primarily stay home even though I do not prefer “working at home”.  This didn’t just mean I cut a 40+ hour work week out of my life, but also much of my own personal interests.  I rarely sang at church or committed to many extra activities. Any job or ministry that I was involved in during those pre-school years were to contribute to the overall welfare of the family and didn't take me away (physically or mentally) from being the primary care-giver to our children. 

Disclaimer: I've had many friends who have desired this lifestyle, but were not able to stay home for reasons beyond their control.  I believe “mom at home” is the best situation, but not always possible.

As a young mom, my life no longer consisted of a jam-packed schedule that made me feel important. I now lived with a calendar consisting ONLY of doctor’s appointments.  I had left a job where I was around a hundred people a day, talking/counseling/teaching college students to sitting in the living room with one little baby girl.  I didn't know how to sit and nurse a baby for 8 hours a day.  I was conditioned to set goals and finish them, now simple tasks (like laundry) seemed impossible.  I did not know how to go all day long without seeing one adult face.  I didn’t know how to be happy singing to just one little baby when I once got that fulfillment on stage.

There were times I was miserable as a new mom. Baby Kinley couldn’t talk to me—she screamed at me all day and all night. Because of her reflux, she was in constant pain and could barely sleep for more than 20 minutes.  Not only that, she clung to me for four years.  She screamed whenever I left her.  One of my family members thought Kinley needed to be psychologically evaluated.  Her dependence on me was not normal.

By the time my baby was 6 months old, I had lost a lot of weight and looked unhealthy.  My body could not keep up with the demands of the baby--between breast-feeding and stress I had nothing left for me.  There was one memorable day when my husband came home and I was emotionally in pieces.  I looked and smelled awful.  I was covered in spit-up and my floor was covered with clutter.  I pined away, “I don’t know what I’m doing.  I can’t accomplish a thing.  Where is my life going?”   Kinley was taking her five minute nap at the time, so my husband took a picture of her off the wall and made me look at it.  “THIS!!!!” he firmly told me.  “You are accomplishing THIS!!!  Look at her!!!  See her fat rolls???  You did that!!!”

And 11 years later….look at that.

 

 

I couldn’t see the worth of all those seemingly meaningless mothering tasks at the time.  I can see it now—the places in my heart that were once filled with struggle and doubt are now full of joy and peace. Anyone who knows Kinley would have a hard time believing all the "trouble" she caused me as a newborn and toddler. I'll be the first to tell you—she's not normal, but she doesn't need psychologically evaluated. She now depends on the Lord as she once did on me. I could have traveled the world over to be a part of God’s work, but I’ve seen the Holy Spirit just as evident in my own home. I could write a long time about the good works displayed in her, but she's not the point.  It is the Seed that is good, but I got to plant it and construct the soil in which it would grow. I got to nurture that Seed in her.  God is still using us to prune each other. I don’t know if the future holds a period of rebellion on her part or not, but I am confident that the Lord has sealed her heart and claimed her as His. My husband and I more than halfway done raising Kinley, and it's thrilling to see her heart beat harder for missions than mine ever did. 

As I struggled through my purpose in life, I realized quickly that motherhood could not be my highest calling, or mothering would quickly become my idol. We are first and foremost children of God, and when we carry out that calling we help our children become like Him.  I've made the decision to spend my ideas and talents on the reality God has given me now, not an idea of something I may have in the future. 

I want to encourage every mother that your work is not going to waste if done in the name of Jesus.  Think of the woman with the alabaster jar (Mark 14:3-9). She broke the bottle that held her most expensive possession and poured the perfume on the feet of Jesus. The disciples around her criticized her in their hearts because what could have fed the poor immediately around her was spent on the future of one man. Jesus didn’t think it was a waste.  He said “she has done what she could”.  I urge you, young mom, to break the jar that holds your dreams and desires and pour it all out on Jesus by serving your family. When you break your jar, let it spill into the homes of others so they can be anointed and refreshed also. Let what you do in your home proclaim the Gospel to the world.  Don’t try to hold on to a few drops or long for the fragrance back like I did—it will rob the joy out of you.  Break your jar with confidence so the Lord may produce bigger dreams in your children than you could have dreamt for yourself.

 

Communicating the Gospel to Children

Let me start out by saying it is not my job to convert my children. There is no gaurantee that my husband and I will raise godly adults. It is the duty of Christian parents to teach and train their children according to Scripture in a Gospel-centered home. (The Gospel is simply the Good News for my bad news brought by God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit.  It is not limited to salvation, or even sin, but also the effects of sin.) It is the Holy Spirit's job to convict and save. I do not believe anyone can be convinced, debated, manipulated, scared, pushed or begged into a real relationship with the Lord. As parents, we can not be stumbling blocks, but stepping stones towards Christ.

My husband and I teach our children every night by reading Bible stories. The following book for children was given to us by my in-laws. The one on the left is the 4th our family has owned. The one on the right is what the other 3 look like.

　
Our children have combed these pages. Though we have found this book to be accurate, it does not give every story, or the full details of the stories it contains. So here's what my husband purposed to do since our first child was two years of age: It is his philosophy that we will let the Bible raise the questions for our kids. He reads the story nightly. I read on the nights my husband isn't home. He will ask the kids questions to see if they have grasped the information, and give them an example of how it applies to every-day life. The kids ask a lot of questions. Sometimes the answers are directly quoted in the Bible, so we'll further explain it or show it to them from the pages of Scripture. Now that our oldest is 8, we are starting to read more texts of Scripture and less out of the children's book.

The "training" comes when they need to be showed what to do or how to think. We hold out the "law" or the rules to our children. When they fall short, we show them their need for a Savior. Here are some practical ways we have made our children aware of their need during specific situations:

Sharing
Mom: "you need to share with your sibling."
Kid: "I don't want to."
Mom: "Of course you don't. That's why you need Jesus to help you." or
"God shared His Son with us. Jesus shared His life with us. We have been given a great example, and God can teach you how to share."

Family Conflict
We seldom let our kids work out their conflict by themselves because God stepped into human history and taught us how to deal with ours. Once they have been trained, then I can say "talk to your sibling first and if you can't work it out, come to me."

We purposely use the language of forgiveness. It's okay for my child to say "I'm sorry" if she really means it. More often than not, the child is not sorry for their sin, only for the discipline they are about to incur. I can not make my kid feel any emotion that leads to repentance. But I can make them practice by admitting what they did wrong and asking for forgiveness. Example: "Would you forgive me for biting you? I shouldn't hurt you." "Would you forgive me for ripping up your drawing? I was being selfish, and it is wrong to mess up other people's things."

Defiance towards parents
After my husband had finished disciplining one of our children, I noticed the child stomp out of the room and mutter under breath, "I don't love you anymore." What did I want to do? Shame our kid for disrespecting Dad like that. What did my husband do? He got eye-level with the child and calmly said: "that makes me very sad. I want you to know that I will always love you. God loved me a long time before I loved Him."
Wow! What a perfect example of "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." It is God's kindness that leads us to repentance, and this father's kindness softened that kid's heart.

When they feel shame
One of our girls feels easily embarressed when she gets caught sinning. She will run away from us and bury her head in her bedsheets. We remind her this is what Adam and Eve did in the Garden. They hid because they were naked and ashamed. But what did God do? He covered them with animal skin clothes. "Sweetheart, you do not need to run away or be afraid of us. We love you and you're covered by grace."

Self-righteousness
One of our children is notorious for tattle-telling. The kid runs to me with that obvious whiny tattle-tale voice and says "____ did such-and-such." I reply "It sounds to me like your brother/sister needs Jesus just as much as you do. Do you think you are better than them?" Ahhh, yes, Jesus is the solution for self-righteousness.

Competing against one-another
When Kinley and Cade were toddlers, they would race in the living room. Cade became very frustrated, emotional, and upset because Kinley could beat him. I tried several solutions:
"Don't worry, when you get older, you'll get faster and you'll win a lot."
"Cade, you're good at other things. You can catch a ball, jump really high, etc, etc."
"Winning isn't important. Having fun is what matters."

None of that satisfied him. He can't have fun unless he's winning. It doesn't matter if he can beat her in other things, because he sees this one area where he just doesn't match up. It's that awful comparison game we all play with other people. A Christ-focus is the only solution.

"Okay kids. New game." I went to the other end of the living room and got down on my knees. I spread both arms out wide and said, " The goal is to get to Mommy." They both ran across the room with a lot of giggles. One ran into my right arm and the other my left, and it didn't matter who got there first because I swooped them up and tickled them until they were overcome by laughter. In that moment, I just displayed what Jesus did for us on the cross. Arms spread wide in self-sacrifice, bringing to us a new kind of race. Run, hop, crawl, or roll a wheel-chair to Jesus, because we'll forget about our physical limitations and be overcome by joy when we stop looking at each other and focus on the Cross. Christ is the cure for competition and comparison. I want them to imagine Him when they feel insecure.

When their Mommy loses it
I can make myself look pretty good when I'm teaching my kids about their sin. But they see mine too. I can will-power some self-control about 10% of the time. Thanks to the Holy Spirit, that percentage is way higher, but it is UGLY the moment I start walking in the flesh. In those times, it is important that I practice what I teach them.

"Mommy is tired but that is no excuse. When Jesus was tired, he didn't use his tone of voice to hurt others. Would you forgive me for yelling at you?" (I want them to know, it is not their fault.)

"Mommy is very frustrated. Now, your job as a child is to obey me. That is your responsibility. But it is my job to teach you in a way that honors God and I didn't do that. Would you forgive me for speaking angrily?" ( I want them to know they are not off the hook, but I will take 100% responsibility for my actions.)
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My husband and I have been taught well. We didn't come up with this info on our own; there are many godly people who have influenced us. We pick and choose the ways we want to pass this important message to our kids; we don't always make the mark, but grace covers us too.