It sobered my heart when my 9 year old daughter asked me, "How will I really know if the man I marry is a Christian. What if he says he is, and then I marry him, but find out later that he's not?"
She didn't ask this question because she watches TV or reads magazines. She didn't ask because of school kid's parents. She asked this question because she is heavily involved in the church. She asks because we, her parents, have had friend after friend desert the faith. My kids have watched dads walk out on their playgroup buddies. My kids have experienced the reality of divorce, not from a screen or a school or their own parents, but from our shared meals with friends, acquaintances, and church-goers.
As parents, we teach the Bible to help understand the issues of life. Our 7 year old son knows the stories of David, Solomon, and Abraham. Our son recalled the great faith and folly of these men, and so he asked: "how do I know if I'm going to follow God when I'm old? What if I mess up like they did? It's easy to do the right thing when you're a kid." My son didn't need the screen or the school to teach him the deprivation of the human heart--he figured it out just by reading Scripture.
There is a lot of wisdom in those kids' questions. The truth is, no one turns into a crappy spouse or person overnight. No one has impecable character for years, and then suddenly commits a moral catastrophe mid-life. There are often warning signs. If left un-checked and never repented of, the blunders of child-hood, the little white lies, the secret sins of the teenager will become the famous follies of the adult.
Jesus, His Gospel and salvation, is the critical foundation for this life and the next. But just because someone claims to know Jesus, can articulate the Gospel, and may be genuinely saved, doesn't mean he or she is a wise person. Foolish people reak havoc on themselves and the people they are around.
One hope or goal for my children is that by the time they leave our house, they will have mastered the Proverbs. I want them to learn how to be wise, what character looks like, how to find friends and spouses who are wise, and how to identify a fool.
Proverbs is a critical book of the Bible for wise living and in my opinion, the best book about relationships. The writer spends most of his time comparing and contrasting the wise and the foolish, so that we ourselves can become wise and knowledgable people. The writer also concentrates much of his time teaching his children who to be friends with. (Prov 1:10-19,12:26, 13:20, 14:7, 18:24, 23:20, 24:1, 24:21, 27:9-10, 27:17, 28:7, 29:3) Contrary to popular belief, the caliber of one's own friends reveals (not determines) what kind of person one is. Bad friends don't corrupt good kids. Bad kids find bad friends. Immature kids find immature friends. Wise people have wise friends. The company one keeps reveals a lot about the character of one's heart, and what is important to him. Therefore, it is important to guard your inner circle. You should be friendly to many, but be careful who you befriend. You can (and probably should) have many acquaintances and many dinner conversations, but the friends you allow to influence you should be focused and carefully selected.
Here's a list of the kinds of people the Proverbs talk about. These are the character qualities all of us need to be mindful of. The following "people" are who you want to be, and who you want your friends/spouse to be:
Patient Pat
(Proverbs 10:18, 16:32, 19:2, 19:11, 20:21,20:25, 21:5, 22:26-27, 23:4, 25:8, 27:15-16, 29:20)
Impatient people will make horrible life decisions and rack up debt quickly. They will be quick to do the wrong thing to satisfy their own timing. Their impulsiveness can lead them to bad business deals, affairs, and horrible parenting styles.
Benevolant Benny and Generous Gwen
Prov. 11:24-26, 14:21,15:21, 17:5,19:17, 21:13, 22:9, 22:16, 22:22-23, 28:27, 28:25, 29:7, 31:20
The proverbs are adamant about being kind toward the poor and generous with belongings. A love for the poor is a sign of deeper character qualities. It is by no means a sin to be rich, but one should be generous with his riches. The greedy person, or one who holds too tightly to his money, will eventually do unimaginable things for his own selfish gain. (Remember Judas.)
Teachable Terry
Proverbs 11:14, 17:10, 19:20, 20:18, 24:6
Stay away from the stubborn person! A teachable spirit is of high value. A person who continually seeks godly advice about life decisions will not make many stupid ones.
Honorable Henry
Proverbs 20:20, 23:22, 30:17
You think it's okay to badmouth your parents? Think again. Remember that "Honor thy Father and Mother" is the only one of the 10 Commandments with a promise. It's just true--life generally goes well for the respectful kid, no matter what his age. A man or woman who continually disrespects his parents is headed for trouble, and you don't want to be with them with God lets them have the fruit of their ways.
FRIENDS/SPOUSES THAT YOU DON'T WANT and WHO YOU DON'T WANT TO BE:
Angry Adam and the Quarrelsome Queen
Proverbs 17:1, 17:19, 19:13,19:19, 20:3, 21:19, 22:24, 25:24, 29:11, 29:22
Living with a hot-tempered man is hell on earth. A person prone to anger has all kinds of "hidden" idols, and you'll soon find they love to control, manipulate, and dominate.
Likewise, Solomon found no kind of woman more troubling than one who argues all the time. Solomon compares the quarrelsome queen to that annoying, constant drip out of the sink; he would rather be poor, have yucky dry dinners, live in a corner of a roof, or a desert than be in the house with a girl who argues.
Gabby Gossip and Chattering Charlie
Proverbs 10:8, 10:19, 11:9,11:12, 13 , 12:16, 13:3, 16:26-27, 17:9, 17:27, 20:19, 21:9, 21:23, 25:9-10
If one can not control her tongue, she has not trained her heart. She will tear people down to make herself look better. She will reveal information about you that is meant to be private. She has no discretion and it will rip you apart if you stay in her company for long.
Lazy Larry and Sally Sluggard
Prov 10:4,5, 10:26, 12:11, 12:24,12:27, 18:9, 19:15, 19:24, 20:13, 21:25-26, 22:13, 24:30-34, 26:13-16, 28:19, 31:13-19
Look at these verses about the value of working hard! Work was the first thing he told Adam and Eve to do in the garden. People are meant to work. Lazy people will hold up progress and frustrate everyone they're around. The sluggard is paranoid someone is always out to devour him; he won't be confident in his own ability to get the job done. Lazy people chase fantasies instead of working plans. Be careful of the dreamers who are never do-ers!
Flattering Floyd and Charla Charmer
Proverbs 10:10a,16:30, 26:24-26, 28:23, 29:5, 31:30
Have you ever met those people who are constant flatterers? That's a sign that they are deceptive. If they over-compliment you, beware, because they are hiding something.
Debbie Downer and Depressing Dan
Proverbs 17:22, 18:14
It's a well-known fact that "Debbie-downers" will suck the life right out of the people they are around. Most people get depressed here or there, but constant whining and lack of joy are not the subtle qualities you want creeping into your life. The mopers spend too much of their time watching the news and other people, and too little time looking to Jesus for their hope. They'll grow bitter, and nothing you ever do will be good enough for them.
***
There are other qualities mentioned in Proverbs that are signs of a person who is growing in wisdom. You want to find and be a person who is self-controlled, (25:28) friendly, ( 18:1) kind, (11:16,17) knowledgable, (19:2) seeks understanding, (17;27, 18:22) fears the Lord, (19:23)takes responsibility for own sin,(19:3, 28:13) takes action when warned, (22:3, 27:12) and who is concerned with doing the right thing just because it is the right thing to do (20:11, 21:3). The Proverbs also warn against the people who only see things his or her way ( 26:12, 28:26, 30:12). There are people in life who have their own view of reality and their stubborness will confuse and cripple others. Prov 27:4 warns that jealousy can be more burdensome to live with than anger. The jealous person will try to control everything in your life. Also be careful of those who are constantly seeking new experiences (21:17)--they will eventually outspend your budget.
You may have found qualities in this list that get you in trouble. If you had a little "ouch" moment, take heart: that's a sign that you are teachable. Let the Word of God convict you. Let these qualities challenge you, Christ change you, and may these sins not characterize you.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Fighting the Good Fight: living as a citizen of Heaven and United States
There is a well-known Bible character who was known for his readiness to speak the truth and defend God. His name was Peter, one of the 12 men who spent the most time with Jesus while He walked the earth. When the soldiers came to bring Jesus to the cross, Peter immediately reacts, draws his sword and cuts off a soldier’s ear. Jesus wasn’t happy with the way His friend stood up for him. You see, Jesus is a big boy. He can defend Himself. He didn’t need Peter, or me, or you to rise up and save His name. Jesus laid His life down willingly to save ours.
I am learning the hard way, like Peter, that God doesn’t need defending. Most people are not impressed by my ability to “wield the sword,” quote Scripture, stand for a cause, defend a political position, or tell everyone what’s wrong with them. There are conversations I wish I could re-do. There are statuses that I would fine-tune or re-write. There are blog posts that I have re-written. I wouldn’t re-do the conversations, fine-tune the statuses or re-write the blog posts because I believe what I once said was wrong, but because I was more concerned with defending what was “right” than loving a person and trying to keep them out of harm’s way.
Jesus set the bar high when it came to living on earth while being a citizen of Heaven. The power structure of His day did not like Him. When a group wanted to stone Jesus, He would often retreat and find another group of people to teach. He would continue to heal people, gently oppose wrong thinking, and serve the people. Jesus was never afraid to engage in conversation—He would answer questions with questions and tell vague stories to illustrate a point no one thought He’d make. He spent the most time with his inner circle of friends and disciples, but always made time to love on and teach both the Pharisees and prostitutes of His day. And then, at the proper time, when people wanted to get rid of Jesus, He laid down his rights and died to save them.
Jesus does not need to be defended. But He does want to be displayed. He displays Himself through the Word of God, creation, and the hearts of His people. So as Christians who bear his name, we have to be careful, not always about what we do, but how we do it. As a citizen of the United States, we are free to enjoy the benefits of being an American. As an alien of this world, we are still free to enjoy the benefits of being an American--engaging in political affairs, becoming a politician, taking advantage of free speech, working hard to make successful businesses, and supporting those who do. But please remember, our primary citizenship should always affect the way we carry out our secondary citizenship.
Here are some things to consider as we live in the world and not of it:
1. God has never been concerned with majority rule.
- Sin entered the world through one man. God overcame the world by One man.
- When Peter came to protect Jesus while He was arrested, Jesus said “Put your sword back in its place…..Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels?”
- God dwindled massive armies in the Old Testament to prove that God’s wars are not won by numbers, but by His power. (See Judges)
- Support of God’s design for marriage is primarily done by having a God-glorifying marriage.
- Vote. Teach. Advocate. But spend the majority of time helping others understand the Bible, come closer to Christ, and apply biblical principles to marriage.
- The mockers are correct: selfishness, adultery and divorce are the first threats to marriage. Be a part of lessening these.
- If you want to expose the darkness, make sure you point to the light. If you want to label something as “wrong”, give hope for a way out. Provide direction. People are not motivated to change JUST by seeing the negative, but by being able to visualize the positive.
3. There is a difference between “exclusion” and “persecution”.
- If Christians get on their megaphones and whine about the government excluding them, THEN they need to be worried about persecution. Drama invites hatred. Be very careful about the use of words—“persecution” is usually associated with those being beaten and killed for their faith. Americans experience some forms or types of persecution, but we need to be careful with vocalizing those words to the world.
- Be careful about who or what you fight against.
- Eph 6:12 “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
- Attack ideas, call sin out, oppose policies. Do not label all liberals or conservatives the same. Be kind. Be wise. Understand the people who oppose you. Love others. Concern yourself with keeping people out of harm’s way.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Who Gets "Called"?
If I ever got the chance to meet a famous person, I'd want to get a picture with him or her as fast as I could. Well, today, I wanted to get a quick picture with Richard.
Maybe he's not a household name. So Richard Loghry isn't famous. The reason I want to know people like him is because he makes God famous where he is. And this Tuesday, he flies to an "unknown" part of the world to take the Gospel to the jungles of Suriname.
Richard is a great example of how God "calls" people to missions. I first met Richard when I was 18. We served for 10 weeks at a little camp in Brownsville, KY.
(Please forgive the fashion. It is a statement to prove that God works through generations who have no sense of style.)
Richard is from a little town in Arkansas that most people have never heard of and he was serving the Lord long before I met him. In the summer of 1997, Richard had his first "away from home" missions or ministry experience at Camp Joy. Since that summer, our paths have crossed numerous times. I have always been fascinated with the way God works in Richard. The Holy Spirit is evident in his life. Wherever Richard is, he works for the kingdom. He is consistently giving his time, talents, money, gifts, and life to make disciples. He serves in the little things. He loves big and gives big hugs. He knows that the state of Arkansas has never been his home--he lives for the next life. He knows that he didn't start out as a "good boy" and by the power of the Spirit has overcome significant sin struggles in his life. Richard builds community whereever he is, and now God will use him to build a group of believers in Suriname--with a people who currently do not know the name of Jesus.
Let Richard encourage you. When you hear the word "missionary," don't think of some spiritual giant. Think of a human with a super Person. That super Person (the Holy Spirit) dwells among all of God's people. When God calls someone into a relationship with Him, He empowers him or her. We aren't suppose to accomplish big things "way out there somewhere" until we've obeyed whereever "here" is.
Maybe he's not a household name. So Richard Loghry isn't famous. The reason I want to know people like him is because he makes God famous where he is. And this Tuesday, he flies to an "unknown" part of the world to take the Gospel to the jungles of Suriname.
Richard is a great example of how God "calls" people to missions. I first met Richard when I was 18. We served for 10 weeks at a little camp in Brownsville, KY.
Richard is from a little town in Arkansas that most people have never heard of and he was serving the Lord long before I met him. In the summer of 1997, Richard had his first "away from home" missions or ministry experience at Camp Joy. Since that summer, our paths have crossed numerous times. I have always been fascinated with the way God works in Richard. The Holy Spirit is evident in his life. Wherever Richard is, he works for the kingdom. He is consistently giving his time, talents, money, gifts, and life to make disciples. He serves in the little things. He loves big and gives big hugs. He knows that the state of Arkansas has never been his home--he lives for the next life. He knows that he didn't start out as a "good boy" and by the power of the Spirit has overcome significant sin struggles in his life. Richard builds community whereever he is, and now God will use him to build a group of believers in Suriname--with a people who currently do not know the name of Jesus.
Let Richard encourage you. When you hear the word "missionary," don't think of some spiritual giant. Think of a human with a super Person. That super Person (the Holy Spirit) dwells among all of God's people. When God calls someone into a relationship with Him, He empowers him or her. We aren't suppose to accomplish big things "way out there somewhere" until we've obeyed whereever "here" is.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
To Judge or not to Judge
I was having a conversation with a godly man from my church when
my oldest daughter was two years old. My
toddler began to throw a fit, so loud and so distracting that I couldn’t hear
what the man was saying. I was
embarrassed by my child’s actions, but what came next was mortifying. This man that I respect began to tell me that
I needed to discipline my child. When I
gave my reasons for not doing so at the moment, he proceeded to further
instruct me on my strong-willed child and my push-over parenting. I told him that I did not let my child do
whatever she wanted. His response: “Yes
you do. I’ve watched you at church.” I gave more excuses, and so this older
gentleman brought another woman into the conversation, to share her story, give
me further instruction about discipline, and show me the specific “how-to’s”.
I’m not sure how you would react to such a situation. For me, I was beyond embarrassed. There was a part of me that never wanted to
go to that church again. I didn’t know
how I could ever look that man in the eye.
I was offended and hurt, and I cried a lot.
But there was another part of me that knew he was
right. I began reading what the Bible
had to say about discipline and parenting.
I read 15 parenting books in the next two years. What that man helped me realize is that I had
a problem with being in authority over my child. I parented out of fear. That conversation is what sparked a life-time
of learning and changing for me: I read, I prayed, I instructed my children, I
began disciplining my children in a God-honoring way. While I appreciate all the times other people
have encouraged me or complimented me, those comments have not altered the
course of my parenting like that conversation seven years ago. I am forever grateful that he had the courage
to be firm with me and to see through all of my excuses. My children have benefited greatly by the
temporary “wound” this man gave me.
That experience motivated me to also be a person who is
willing to say the hard things in life. Jesus didn’t say we are never to judge;
He actually sets forth the parameters by which are to judge. Matthew 7:5 “You hypocrite, first take the log
out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of
your brother’s eye.” John 7:24 “do not judge by appearances, but judge with
right judgment.”
All of us have been hypocrites at one time or another. We get disgusted by an action or quality in a
person and within the same day are guilty of it ourselves. I happen to admit that I am sometimes a
hypocrite. That’s one of the many
reasons I need Jesus and a steady dose of the Bible guiding my life. But once I have noticed a sin in my own life,
I am called to repent (meaning I no longer respond to sin how I used to; the
lure is gone.) Then I can clearly see
how to help someone else do the same. Jesus tells us to judge with right
judgment. We are to look beyond what the
eye can see and get to the heart of the matter.
There are times I judge wrongly.
There are times I judge rightly and stay silent, which isn’t helpful for
anyone. There are times I make people
mad and need to ask for forgiveness, but other times they later thank me. I am still in process of learning how to
carry out this command with faithfulness and wisdom.
You see, there is a difference between making a judgment and
being judgmental. One is a necessary
action, the other a nasty attitude. It
would never be appropriate for me to be judgmental and say “ugh, do you see
what you are doing? You must be a
slut.” It IS appropriate for me to
rightfully judge: “girl, do you see what you are doing? You are bringing glory to yourself (or a
specific sin) instead of God. What you
are doing is hindering your relationship with the Lord. ”
I do not tell someone they are in the wrong because I think
I’m better than them; I am not… I just think God’s ways are better than mine
and theirs. I do not want people to live the life that I live; I want them
to have the God that I have. I am not the standard, and so to my dying day
I plan on pointing others to the One who is.
I do not point out sin because I think I am so good and awesome. It is quite the opposite. I am
not good--I know how bad I am. I have
seen the wickedness of my own heart. I
am “prone to wander”. There have been
times in my life that I tasted what the world had to offer. I found it fun at the moment, but it did not
digest well. Sin now makes me want to
vomit. And so I no longer feed my soul
the kind of poison Jesus had to die for.
There are so many times I think “who am I to say
anything?” Well, I know exactly who I
am. I am the chief of sinners who is no
longer a slave to sin. I am a forgiven child
of God. Struggling with sin is no
longer an option in my life because I know how to fight it. And I am winning. Jesus won this battle for my heart, and He therefore
qualifies me to help fight the sin in others.
God has broken me, showed me who He is, and what I am not. So when I sense that someone I love is headed
toward danger, I no longer waste my time asking “who am I to speak truth?”
Instead, I respond like Isaiah: “Here am I…..Lord, send me.”
If you are one of my Christian brothers or sisters who is
understandably a little nervous about being labeled intolerant or judgmental, I
encourage you to read Galatians 6:1-10.
It is better to gently offend your brethren than allow them to be caught
in what unknowingly harms them.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Mustard-Seed Marriage
In my previous post, Marriage: the Little Things , I talked about the big effect of little differences between my husband and I. It is important that he and I view marriage more positively than negatively. We can view these little things as obstacles in our life or opportunities for our growth. We can criticize each other or celebrate our uniqueness. We can argue about our differences or appreciate them.
My husband helps me travel to the world of possibilities and I help him trod in the land of practicality. That sounds so flowery and awesome, but sometimes the traveling makes me a little motion sick, and at times the trodding is frustrating for him. Thinking positively is true and right, but sometimes, we just can not self-will the happy thoughts. We need a bigger solution.
As I look through Scripture and study Jesus' interaction with people, I notice that He does not diminish the importance of little matters. Instead, Jesus redirects people's thinking. He takes earthly problems and points to heavenly solutions. Jesus seems to think we can learn from the "little things" and so He tells a short story about this tiny thing called a mustard seed.
"[Jesus] put another parable before them, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of air come and make nests in its branches.'"
Matt 13:31-32
This passage isn't about marriage, directly, but about the kingdom. However, the parable applies directly to marriage, because marriage was God's first kingdom-building institution (Gen 2). Marriage is the smallest of all kingdom unions. The purposes of marriage are not solely compatability, happiness, intimacy, or commitment. Man and woman were first joined together in the Garden to work in and for God's kingdom together. And now thousands of generations later, one man and one wife become "one" in a world with billions of people. The Christians plant their tiny marriage in God's huge kingdom, and then they grow. They grow bigger than non-Christian marriages (the garden plants) and extend far beyond themselves because they have the supernatural power of God working behind them.
Why is it important that marriages grow spiritually? So that the marriage is useful. Birds make their nests in the branches of a Christian marriage. Marriage is not just for the two people who started it, but for all the people who find their way to its resting spot. The marriage is to help others build their own homes and further the work of the kingdom.
Marriage is to be like the mustard seed. When the mustard seed has done its job, no one focuses on the seed. The seed is barely recognizable once it has produced so much usefulness. I pray that you will have a mustard-seed marriage: always growing, always pointing heavenward, always benefiting others. I pray that the tree of your marriage will weather dry seasons, stand strong in rain or sunshine, and benefit all the little "birds" long past the life of your little seed.
My husband helps me travel to the world of possibilities and I help him trod in the land of practicality. That sounds so flowery and awesome, but sometimes the traveling makes me a little motion sick, and at times the trodding is frustrating for him. Thinking positively is true and right, but sometimes, we just can not self-will the happy thoughts. We need a bigger solution.
As I look through Scripture and study Jesus' interaction with people, I notice that He does not diminish the importance of little matters. Instead, Jesus redirects people's thinking. He takes earthly problems and points to heavenly solutions. Jesus seems to think we can learn from the "little things" and so He tells a short story about this tiny thing called a mustard seed.
"[Jesus] put another parable before them, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of air come and make nests in its branches.'"
Matt 13:31-32
This passage isn't about marriage, directly, but about the kingdom. However, the parable applies directly to marriage, because marriage was God's first kingdom-building institution (Gen 2). Marriage is the smallest of all kingdom unions. The purposes of marriage are not solely compatability, happiness, intimacy, or commitment. Man and woman were first joined together in the Garden to work in and for God's kingdom together. And now thousands of generations later, one man and one wife become "one" in a world with billions of people. The Christians plant their tiny marriage in God's huge kingdom, and then they grow. They grow bigger than non-Christian marriages (the garden plants) and extend far beyond themselves because they have the supernatural power of God working behind them.
Why is it important that marriages grow spiritually? So that the marriage is useful. Birds make their nests in the branches of a Christian marriage. Marriage is not just for the two people who started it, but for all the people who find their way to its resting spot. The marriage is to help others build their own homes and further the work of the kingdom.
Marriage is to be like the mustard seed. When the mustard seed has done its job, no one focuses on the seed. The seed is barely recognizable once it has produced so much usefulness. I pray that you will have a mustard-seed marriage: always growing, always pointing heavenward, always benefiting others. I pray that the tree of your marriage will weather dry seasons, stand strong in rain or sunshine, and benefit all the little "birds" long past the life of your little seed.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Marriage: the Little Things
It was 2:30 in the morning and I had just returned from a week-long trip. The last stop I made before home was a hole-in-the-wall Lousianna rest stop where I ate the best gumbo of my life. Once home, I went to the bathroom, haphazardly brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed with my husband whom I had been anxious to see. We talked for a bit, cuddled, and I told him about the things I had been reflecting on during my time away. I had been thinking about the importance of marriage, how much I appreciated my husband, and how I didn't want to get so uptight over the little things in our relationship. It was one of those movie moments, where I turned around to kiss him....and then almost knocked him out. You see, the gumbo was still lingering. Turns out a little dead seafood in the teeth can smell a long way, and whatever "magical moment" was about to happen....didn't.
You've heard "don't sweat the small stuff" and other similar cliches. But in a lot of marriages, the little things are important. The "little things" can create big differences, big dissentions and become big obstacles. There are people in many marriages that have the "big" things right, but continually stay frustrated at the little things. If those little things fester for long enough, disaster awaits.
When my husband and I prepared to get married over 12 years ago, we took a compatibility test administered by our college pastor. We scored high in every way, and our minister said that he had never seen anyone on the same page spiritually as we were. I naively thought that because we were so in love with Jesus, and so similar spiritually, we would not have many problems, and that marriage would be easy for us. In some aspects, that is true. But for the most part, my husband Chris and I are in total agreement about the BIG issues of life, and completely opposite on the little things or how we naturally apply those big issues. Here are a few examples:
BIGGER ISSUE #1: We both like to be efficient.
For Chris, this means a schedule, to-do list, a plan for the day, and picking up clutter as we go along.
For me, efficiency means never making my bed because we'll mess it up in 16 hours. It means not taking cups of water off the dining room table because we'll be back in a few hours to drink again. It means not closing cabinet doors as I make my way around the kitchen, b/c I'm busy talking to someone and I'll be putting the item back sometime within the next hour. In my way of thinking, why waste extra seconds opening and closing a door twice?
BIGGER ISSUE #2: We like things clean and orderly.
For Chris, this comes out in routine and internal organization. Once when I was away on a trip, he rearranged the contents of the kitchen cabinets to "help" me out. I couldn't find a thing.
For me, cleanliness means having dirt out of the house and laundry done. I love a newly vacuumed floor, and could care less if toys are scattered through the living room. I order things in the cabinet based on whatever spot I find at the time to place a dish in. It's random to other people, but it's MY order.
BIGGER ISSUE #3: We think exercise is important, and want to be good stewards of our bodies.
When Chris exercises, he goes from point A to point B in the fastest time possible. He sets a goal at either a mile marker or a stop sign.
When I exercise, I run with the dog. We stop to meet other dogs and their owners. I might jog behind a kid's bicycle, stop at the store for some bread, chat with the neighbors on the way home. It's possible that I will have no idea how far I went, how long it took me, or what the time is, but I'm really happy about all that I accomplished on my run.
BIGGER ISSUE #4: We both want to be good stewards financially.
For Chris, this means weekly and monthly meetings. It involves spreadsheets and budgets and soooo much talking.
For me, it means only buying what I need. I see budgets as unncessary as long as one spends less than they make. The rest of the time I just want to have fun, and talking about budgets does not fit that description.
BIGGER ISSUE #5: We both appreciate beauty.
Chris finds beauty in asthetics. For example, when we drive in the car, he notices things. Actually, he notices EVERY...thing. From the giant hawk on the fence post to a gleaming sunset, or a mountain landscape to an amazing old building, a ride with him is a constant sightseeing trip filled with "Wow, did you see that!?" Flowers on the table? For Chris they are beautiful and alluring.
I find beauty in function. On one of our sightseeing trips, err, I mean rides somewhere, I just want to get there. I don't really notice that much because I'm daydreaming. At least he does most of the driving because now that I'm thinking about it, my driving habits could be pretty bad. And when it comes to flowers on the table? For me they block the view and are annoying. I'm pretty sure a kid is going to knock the vase over and create more work for me.
BIGGER ISSUE #6: We both like to be engaged at church, seminars, classes, etc.
For Chris, "engaged" means arriving early and sitting in the middle of the crowd. He is not just listening to the speaker--he is listening AT him. Chris is thinking critically, matching every word, phrase, expression with specific passages of Scripture, making sure the point of the text was communicated.
For me, I want to arrive 2-5 minutes late, survey the crowd, and sit in the back. I like to find people who are sitting by themselves. I am not a back-row Baptist, but I want to be in the back so I can see who is there and while the speaker is talking, I casually look around and get a sense of how the crowd is reacting. I wonder if the message is resonating. Did the speaker communicate the text in a way that applies to people of all situations?
BIGGER ISSUE #7: We enjoy clean comedy and laughing at movies or television.
For Chris, humor manifests itself by wit, plays-on-words, and cultural sarcasm.
For me, amusement comes through physical humor and facial expressions. Usually while one of us is doubled over laughing, the other is trying to figure out why he or she is laughing at something so stupid.
BIGGER ISSUE #8: We like to take walks or strolls together.
Chris walks along the sidewalks, like a good citizen.
I walk anywhere, because I think grass and dirt are God's created and preferred material for human feet. Once when I walked across a seminary yard, Chris was appaulled that I was walking across the institution's beautiful, bought grass. I was stunned at his assumption that grass was placed there to look pretty and not be walked on.
I can chuckle at these little things now, but when these differences are displayed in the mundane moments of life, the environment is ripe for an argument or misunderstanding. Sometimes our way of thinking or doing things is completely foreign to the other. My husband walks into the kitchen that I am working in and closes the microwave door that I am walking towards and about to use. We have trouble exercising together or getting on the same page financially. We appreciate in differing ways the beauty and hard work of another person, and struggle picking a place to sit at church, choosing a movie, or deciding where to walk.
Are any of these struggles similar to your marriage? I've described the problem, but do you sometimes finding yourself wondering what the solution is? In the next post, I will look at a little story in Scripture that makes a big difference in the way we view and carry out our marriages.
You've heard "don't sweat the small stuff" and other similar cliches. But in a lot of marriages, the little things are important. The "little things" can create big differences, big dissentions and become big obstacles. There are people in many marriages that have the "big" things right, but continually stay frustrated at the little things. If those little things fester for long enough, disaster awaits.
When my husband and I prepared to get married over 12 years ago, we took a compatibility test administered by our college pastor. We scored high in every way, and our minister said that he had never seen anyone on the same page spiritually as we were. I naively thought that because we were so in love with Jesus, and so similar spiritually, we would not have many problems, and that marriage would be easy for us. In some aspects, that is true. But for the most part, my husband Chris and I are in total agreement about the BIG issues of life, and completely opposite on the little things or how we naturally apply those big issues. Here are a few examples:
BIGGER ISSUE #1: We both like to be efficient.
For Chris, this means a schedule, to-do list, a plan for the day, and picking up clutter as we go along.
For me, efficiency means never making my bed because we'll mess it up in 16 hours. It means not taking cups of water off the dining room table because we'll be back in a few hours to drink again. It means not closing cabinet doors as I make my way around the kitchen, b/c I'm busy talking to someone and I'll be putting the item back sometime within the next hour. In my way of thinking, why waste extra seconds opening and closing a door twice?
BIGGER ISSUE #2: We like things clean and orderly.
For Chris, this comes out in routine and internal organization. Once when I was away on a trip, he rearranged the contents of the kitchen cabinets to "help" me out. I couldn't find a thing.
For me, cleanliness means having dirt out of the house and laundry done. I love a newly vacuumed floor, and could care less if toys are scattered through the living room. I order things in the cabinet based on whatever spot I find at the time to place a dish in. It's random to other people, but it's MY order.
BIGGER ISSUE #3: We think exercise is important, and want to be good stewards of our bodies.
When Chris exercises, he goes from point A to point B in the fastest time possible. He sets a goal at either a mile marker or a stop sign.
When I exercise, I run with the dog. We stop to meet other dogs and their owners. I might jog behind a kid's bicycle, stop at the store for some bread, chat with the neighbors on the way home. It's possible that I will have no idea how far I went, how long it took me, or what the time is, but I'm really happy about all that I accomplished on my run.
BIGGER ISSUE #4: We both want to be good stewards financially.
For Chris, this means weekly and monthly meetings. It involves spreadsheets and budgets and soooo much talking.
For me, it means only buying what I need. I see budgets as unncessary as long as one spends less than they make. The rest of the time I just want to have fun, and talking about budgets does not fit that description.
BIGGER ISSUE #5: We both appreciate beauty.
Chris finds beauty in asthetics. For example, when we drive in the car, he notices things. Actually, he notices EVERY...thing. From the giant hawk on the fence post to a gleaming sunset, or a mountain landscape to an amazing old building, a ride with him is a constant sightseeing trip filled with "Wow, did you see that!?" Flowers on the table? For Chris they are beautiful and alluring.
I find beauty in function. On one of our sightseeing trips, err, I mean rides somewhere, I just want to get there. I don't really notice that much because I'm daydreaming. At least he does most of the driving because now that I'm thinking about it, my driving habits could be pretty bad. And when it comes to flowers on the table? For me they block the view and are annoying. I'm pretty sure a kid is going to knock the vase over and create more work for me.
BIGGER ISSUE #6: We both like to be engaged at church, seminars, classes, etc.
For Chris, "engaged" means arriving early and sitting in the middle of the crowd. He is not just listening to the speaker--he is listening AT him. Chris is thinking critically, matching every word, phrase, expression with specific passages of Scripture, making sure the point of the text was communicated.
For me, I want to arrive 2-5 minutes late, survey the crowd, and sit in the back. I like to find people who are sitting by themselves. I am not a back-row Baptist, but I want to be in the back so I can see who is there and while the speaker is talking, I casually look around and get a sense of how the crowd is reacting. I wonder if the message is resonating. Did the speaker communicate the text in a way that applies to people of all situations?
BIGGER ISSUE #7: We enjoy clean comedy and laughing at movies or television.
For Chris, humor manifests itself by wit, plays-on-words, and cultural sarcasm.
For me, amusement comes through physical humor and facial expressions. Usually while one of us is doubled over laughing, the other is trying to figure out why he or she is laughing at something so stupid.
BIGGER ISSUE #8: We like to take walks or strolls together.
Chris walks along the sidewalks, like a good citizen.
I walk anywhere, because I think grass and dirt are God's created and preferred material for human feet. Once when I walked across a seminary yard, Chris was appaulled that I was walking across the institution's beautiful, bought grass. I was stunned at his assumption that grass was placed there to look pretty and not be walked on.
I can chuckle at these little things now, but when these differences are displayed in the mundane moments of life, the environment is ripe for an argument or misunderstanding. Sometimes our way of thinking or doing things is completely foreign to the other. My husband walks into the kitchen that I am working in and closes the microwave door that I am walking towards and about to use. We have trouble exercising together or getting on the same page financially. We appreciate in differing ways the beauty and hard work of another person, and struggle picking a place to sit at church, choosing a movie, or deciding where to walk.
Are any of these struggles similar to your marriage? I've described the problem, but do you sometimes finding yourself wondering what the solution is? In the next post, I will look at a little story in Scripture that makes a big difference in the way we view and carry out our marriages.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
HAVING CRAZY PARENTS DOES NOT EQUAL GOING CRAZY!!!
This is part 2. Part 1 can be found at:
http://tonyastales.blogspot.com/2012/05/help-my-parents-are-crazy.html
Here's how:
You will be tempted to concentrate on the ways your parent failed you. Train your mind to focus on how Jesus fills the gap. Psalm 27:10 "My father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in."
Look for the ways God changes and uses you when you feel short-changed.
Dwell on anything positive that you can. If you can't find redeeming qualities in your parent, think of what God can/is doing in your life in spite of them.
You are not responsible for your parent, you are responsible for your responses. Accept that you can not change them, and allow God to change you for His glory.
Not only it is okay to be angry, there are times when we SHOULD be angry. The bible says to "be angry and do not sin." When you choose to forgive, you release your parents from having power over you. You release them into the hand of God. If you continue to dwell on your parents' mistakes, you will continue to make more of your own. Only keep specifics in mind for the purpose of learning from them and not repeating the same sin patterns, or for being able to sympathize with the plight of others.
Do not be decieving. Do be discerning. Use discretion and not deciet when communicating.(Jonathan to Saul-- 1 Kings 14:1, 19:1-7, 20) Saul was one who would go into extreme moods and mental states, similar to bi-polar or manic depression. There were times that his son Jonathan withheld information from his father, not to punish, but to protect either the kingdom or his friend David. There are times when one has to seperate from parents, but keep protection and reconciliation in mind.
Don't give your parents a reason to disqualify you. 1 Timothy 4:12
While you can observe your parents' actions, don't judge your parents' motives. Seek to understand them.
Don't try to be your parent's Savior. Do pray for favor so you can point them to the Savior.
Do NOT rebel. Resolve yourself to learning how to navigate bad or imperfect authority. One day, you may have to be under other authorities that you do not agree with: spouse, boss, pastor, politician, etc
Extend the mercy to your parent that God has extended to you. (Matt 18:21-35) Your parent may not deserve mercy from you, but neither do you deserve it from a perfect Heavenly Father. You are able to give back not what others have given to you, but what God has given to you.
If your parents are too protective, remember they are seeing the most negative outcome while you are seeing the most positive. --Arliss Dickerson
Learn the Art of negotiation: Agree..Address..Alternatives. Agree to see things from their point of view, address the problem, and find alternate solutions.
Accept it if you can't connect on a heart level with your parent. Try to connect on SOME level--even if it's surface conversation.
Obey the Lord; submit (yield) to parents who still have authority over you. You have to master the Bible to know when you your parent's commands contradict your Heavenly Father's commands.
Seek to honor your parents, even when you can't or shouldn't obey them. It is the only commandment with a promise of blessing. (Ex 20:12, Deut. 5:16, 1 kings 14:43-45).
Honor their position even if you can't respect the person.
http://tonyastales.blogspot.com/2012/05/help-my-parents-are-crazy.html
Here's how:
You will be tempted to concentrate on the ways your parent failed you. Train your mind to focus on how Jesus fills the gap. Psalm 27:10 "My father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in."
Look for the ways God changes and uses you when you feel short-changed.
Dwell on anything positive that you can. If you can't find redeeming qualities in your parent, think of what God can/is doing in your life in spite of them.
You are not responsible for your parent, you are responsible for your responses. Accept that you can not change them, and allow God to change you for His glory.
Not only it is okay to be angry, there are times when we SHOULD be angry. The bible says to "be angry and do not sin." When you choose to forgive, you release your parents from having power over you. You release them into the hand of God. If you continue to dwell on your parents' mistakes, you will continue to make more of your own. Only keep specifics in mind for the purpose of learning from them and not repeating the same sin patterns, or for being able to sympathize with the plight of others.
Do not be decieving. Do be discerning. Use discretion and not deciet when communicating.(Jonathan to Saul-- 1 Kings 14:1, 19:1-7, 20) Saul was one who would go into extreme moods and mental states, similar to bi-polar or manic depression. There were times that his son Jonathan withheld information from his father, not to punish, but to protect either the kingdom or his friend David. There are times when one has to seperate from parents, but keep protection and reconciliation in mind.
Don't give your parents a reason to disqualify you. 1 Timothy 4:12
While you can observe your parents' actions, don't judge your parents' motives. Seek to understand them.
Don't try to be your parent's Savior. Do pray for favor so you can point them to the Savior.
Do NOT rebel. Resolve yourself to learning how to navigate bad or imperfect authority. One day, you may have to be under other authorities that you do not agree with: spouse, boss, pastor, politician, etc
Extend the mercy to your parent that God has extended to you. (Matt 18:21-35) Your parent may not deserve mercy from you, but neither do you deserve it from a perfect Heavenly Father. You are able to give back not what others have given to you, but what God has given to you.
If your parents are too protective, remember they are seeing the most negative outcome while you are seeing the most positive. --Arliss Dickerson
Learn the Art of negotiation: Agree..Address..Alternatives. Agree to see things from their point of view, address the problem, and find alternate solutions.
Accept it if you can't connect on a heart level with your parent. Try to connect on SOME level--even if it's surface conversation.
Obey the Lord; submit (yield) to parents who still have authority over you. You have to master the Bible to know when you your parent's commands contradict your Heavenly Father's commands.
Seek to honor your parents, even when you can't or shouldn't obey them. It is the only commandment with a promise of blessing. (Ex 20:12, Deut. 5:16, 1 kings 14:43-45).
Honor their position even if you can't respect the person.
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