How to Have Children and Keep Your House Clean

I might be the last person you would expect to be giving home management tips.  Believe it or not, I am capable of getting my house to look immaculate.  I've done it a time or two by following the tips that float around the internet.  But I've noticed tidy experts are capable of helping you GET your house clean, not KEEP your house clean.  Here are some things I've found (or dreamed) to make you look like a super-organized, put-together mother:

1) Never, ever, EVER, get a dog. 

2) Act like you have to go to the bathroom.  When your children follow you, lock them in the bathroom while you clean the rest of the house. 

3) Weep uncontrollably to your husband until he feels so sorry for you and asks “what can I do to help?”  Have the list ready to hand him.

4) Require your body to have 4 hours of sleep.  It doesn’t matter if you need 8.  Making yourself only get four hours of sleep will decrease your life span, de-stress your life, and allow you to meet Jesus earlier.

5) Throw every toy away.

6) Don’t tithe your money to the church.  10% of your income could be used to hire a maid service and chef--therefore boosting the economy.  We all know that the economy is the most important thing in our country.

7) Sleep naked.  Less laundry.  Maybe there will be a fire in the middle of the night and your neighbors will call you in for indecent exposure. As a prison inmate, you’ll have all the time in the world to keep your cell clean.

8) Better yet, set your house on fire yourself.  Then you will have nothing to keep in order.

9) Only wear bikinis during the day.  Modest women have bigger loads of laundry.

If your wardrobe only consists of bikinis, your children will be embarrassed by you and never invite their friends over.  Your own children will leave your house –their friends and them can make dirty foot prints at others’ houses and eat all of their food.

10) Get off the computer, iPhone, and all other devices that connect you to the outside world. 

11) Why are you still at your computer?

12) Eat out for every meal.  Don’t you know that cooking healthy meals for your family only creates further mess?

13) When your children pick up something that was once in its place, scream at the top of your lungs.  Yell something like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING???  STOP MAKING MESSES!!  STOP BEING SO CURIOUS!”  Eventually, the children can be trained like mice and will stop making messes because they fear their mothers.

I am  not trying to diminish the art of home management.  It's highly important.  I know the women that are kind, calm, AND organized with their homes.  They are few and far between, but I have been in their houses.  I have stayed the night with them.  They usually ask me stuff like, "what do you think about predestination and free choice?"  I usually ask them stuff like: "OH MY GOODNESS!!  How do you keep your paper clips and scissors in these handy compartments without yelling at anyone?"

While there are some people who choose to be lazy and let everything go, I think many women put too much pressure on themselves to get things looking good.  It's important, but it's not the MOST important.

Well, I'm out of here.  The children and I have more messes to make.