Who Gets "Called"?

If I ever got the chance to meet a famous person, I'd want to get a picture with him or her as fast as I could.  Well, today, I wanted to get a quick picture with Richard.

Maybe he's not a household name.  So Richard Loghry isn't famous.  The reason I want to know people like him is because he makes God famous where he is.  And this Tuesday, he flies to an "unknown" part of the world to take the Gospel to the jungles of Suriname.

Richard is a great example of how God "calls" people to missions.  I first met Richard when I was 18.  We served for 10 weeks at a little camp in Brownsville, KY. 

(Please forgive the fashion.  It is a statement to prove that God works through generations who have no sense of style.)

Richard is from a little town in Arkansas that most people have never heard of and he was serving the Lord long before I met him.  In the summer of 1997, Richard had his first "away from home" missions or ministry experience at Camp Joy.  Since that summer, our paths have crossed numerous times.  I have always been fascinated with the way God works in Richard.  The Holy Spirit is evident in his life.  Wherever Richard is, he works for the kingdom.  He is consistently giving his time, talents, money, gifts, and life to make disciples.  He serves in the little things.  He loves big and gives big hugs.  He knows that the state of Arkansas has never been his home--he lives for the next life.  He knows that he didn't start out as a "good boy" and by the power of the Spirit has overcome significant sin struggles in his life.  Richard builds community whereever he is, and now God will use him to build a group of believers in Suriname--with a people who currently do not know the name of Jesus.

Let Richard encourage you.  When you hear the word "missionary," don't think of some spiritual giant.  Think of a human with a super Person.  That super Person (the Holy Spirit) dwells among all of God's people.  When God calls someone into a relationship with Him, He empowers him or her.  We aren't suppose to accomplish big things "way out there somewhere" until we've obeyed whereever "here" is.

To Judge or not to Judge

I was having a conversation with a godly man from my church when my oldest daughter was two years old.  My toddler began to throw a fit, so loud and so distracting that I couldn’t hear what the man was saying.  I was embarrassed by my child’s actions, but what came next was mortifying.  This man that I respect began to tell me that I needed to discipline my child.  When I gave my reasons for not doing so at the moment, he proceeded to further instruct me on my strong-willed child and my push-over parenting.  I told him that I did not let my child do whatever she wanted.  His response: “Yes you do.  I’ve watched you at church.”  I gave more excuses, and so this older gentleman brought another woman into the conversation, to share her story, give me further instruction about discipline, and show me the specific “how-to’s”.

I’m not sure how you would react to such a situation.  For me, I was beyond embarrassed.  There was a part of me that never wanted to go to that church again.  I didn’t know how I could ever look that man in the eye.  I was offended and hurt, and I cried a lot.

But there was another part of me that knew he was right.   I began reading what the Bible had to say about discipline and parenting.  I read 15 parenting books in the next two years.  What that man helped me realize is that I had a problem with being in authority over my child.  I parented out of fear.  That conversation is what sparked a life-time of learning and changing for me: I read, I prayed, I instructed my children, I began disciplining my children in a God-honoring way.  While I appreciate all the times other people have encouraged me or complimented me, those comments have not altered the course of my parenting like that conversation seven years ago.  I am forever grateful that he had the courage to be firm with me and to see through all of my excuses.  My children have benefited greatly by the temporary “wound” this man gave me.

That experience motivated me to also be a person who is willing to say the hard things in life. Jesus didn’t say we are never to judge; He actually sets forth the parameters by which are to judge.  Matthew 7:5 “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” John 7:24 “do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

All of us have been hypocrites at one time or another.  We get disgusted by an action or quality in a person and within the same day are guilty of it ourselves.  I happen to admit that I am sometimes a hypocrite.  That’s one of the many reasons I need Jesus and a steady dose of the Bible guiding my life.  But once I have noticed a sin in my own life, I am called to repent (meaning I no longer respond to sin how I used to; the lure is gone.)  Then I can clearly see how to help someone else do the same. Jesus tells us to judge with right judgment.  We are to look beyond what the eye can see and get to the heart of the matter.  There are times I judge wrongly.  There are times I judge rightly and stay silent, which isn’t helpful for anyone.  There are times I make people mad and need to ask for forgiveness, but other times they later thank me.  I am still in process of learning how to carry out this command with faithfulness and wisdom. 

You see, there is a difference between making a judgment and being judgmental.  One is a necessary action, the other a nasty attitude.  It would never be appropriate for me to be judgmental and say “ugh, do you see what you are doing?  You must be a slut.”  It IS appropriate for me to rightfully judge: “girl, do you see what you are doing?  You are bringing glory to yourself (or a specific sin) instead of God.  What you are doing is hindering your relationship with the Lord. ” 

I do not tell someone they are in the wrong because I think I’m better than them; I am not… I just think God’s ways are better than mine and theirs.  I do not want people to live the life that I live; I want them to have the God that I have.  I am not the standard, and so to my dying day I plan on pointing others to the One who is.  I do not point out sin because I think I am so good and awesome.  It is quite the opposite.   I am not good--I know how bad I am.  I have seen the wickedness of my own heart.  I am “prone to wander”.  There have been times in my life that I tasted what the world had to offer.  I found it fun at the moment, but it did not digest well.  Sin now makes me want to vomit.  And so I no longer feed my soul the kind of poison Jesus had to die for. 

There are so many times I think “who am I to say anything?”  Well, I know exactly who I am.  I am the chief of sinners who is no longer a slave to sin.  I am a forgiven child of God.   Struggling with sin is no longer an option in my life because I know how to fight it.  And I am winning.  Jesus won this battle for my heart, and He therefore qualifies me to help fight the sin in others.  God has broken me, showed me who He is, and what I am not.  So when I sense that someone I love is headed toward danger, I no longer waste my time asking “who am I to speak truth?” Instead, I respond like Isaiah: “Here am I…..Lord, send me.”

If you are one of my Christian brothers or sisters who is understandably a little nervous about being labeled intolerant or judgmental, I encourage you to read Galatians 6:1-10.   It is better to gently offend your brethren than allow them to be caught in what unknowingly harms them.

Mustard-Seed Marriage

In my previous post, Marriage: the Little Things , I talked about the big effect of little differences between my husband and I. It is important that he and I view marriage more positively than negatively. We can view these little things as obstacles in our life or opportunities for our growth. We can criticize each other or celebrate our uniqueness. We can argue about our differences or appreciate them.

My husband helps me travel to the world of possibilities and I help him trod in the land of practicality. That sounds so flowery and awesome, but sometimes the traveling makes me a little motion sick, and at times the trodding is frustrating for him. Thinking positively is true and right, but sometimes, we just can not self-will the happy thoughts. We need a bigger solution.

As I look through Scripture and study Jesus' interaction with people, I notice that He does not diminish the importance of little matters. Instead, Jesus redirects people's thinking. He takes earthly problems and points to heavenly solutions. Jesus seems to think we can learn from the "little things" and so He tells a short story about this tiny thing called a mustard seed.

"[Jesus] put another parable before them, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of air come and make nests in its branches.'"
Matt 13:31-32

This passage isn't about marriage, directly, but about the kingdom. However, the parable applies directly to marriage, because marriage was God's first kingdom-building institution (Gen 2). Marriage is the smallest of all kingdom unions. The purposes of marriage are not solely compatability, happiness, intimacy, or commitment. Man and woman were first joined together in the Garden to work in and for God's kingdom together. And now thousands of generations later, one man and one wife become "one" in a world with billions of people. The Christians plant their tiny marriage in God's huge kingdom, and then they grow. They grow bigger than non-Christian marriages (the garden plants) and extend far beyond themselves because they have the supernatural power of God working behind them.

Why is it important that marriages grow spiritually? So that the marriage is useful. Birds make their nests in the branches of a Christian marriage. Marriage is not just for the two people who started it, but for all the people who find their way to its resting spot. The marriage is to help others build their own homes and further the work of the kingdom.

Marriage is to be like the mustard seed. When the mustard seed has done its job, no one focuses on the seed. The seed is barely recognizable once it has produced so much usefulness. I pray that you will have a mustard-seed marriage: always growing, always pointing heavenward, always benefiting others. I pray that the tree of your marriage will weather dry seasons, stand strong in rain or sunshine, and benefit all the little "birds" long past the life of your little seed.

Marriage: the Little Things

It was 2:30 in the morning and I had just returned from a week-long trip. The last stop I made before home was a hole-in-the-wall Lousianna rest stop where I ate the best gumbo of my life. Once home, I went to the bathroom, haphazardly brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed with my husband whom I had been anxious to see. We talked for a bit, cuddled, and I told him about the things I had been reflecting on during my time away. I had been thinking about the importance of marriage, how much I appreciated my husband, and how I didn't want to get so uptight over the little things in our relationship. It was one of those movie moments, where I turned around to kiss him....and then almost knocked him out. You see, the gumbo was still lingering. Turns out a little dead seafood in the teeth can smell a long way, and whatever "magical moment" was about to happen....didn't.

You've heard "don't sweat the small stuff" and other similar cliches. But in a lot of marriages, the little things are important. The "little things" can create big differences, big dissentions and become big obstacles. There are people in many marriages that have the "big" things right, but continually stay frustrated at the little things. If those little things fester for long enough, disaster awaits.

When my husband and I prepared to get married over 12 years ago, we took a compatibility test administered by our college pastor. We scored high in every way, and our minister said that he had never seen anyone on the same page spiritually as we were. I naively thought that because we were so in love with Jesus, and so similar spiritually, we would not have many problems, and that marriage would be easy for us. In some aspects, that is true. But for the most part, my husband Chris and I are in total agreement about the BIG issues of life, and completely opposite on the little things or how we naturally apply those big issues. Here are a few examples:

BIGGER ISSUE #1: We both like to be efficient.
For Chris, this means a schedule, to-do list, a plan for the day, and picking up clutter as we go along.
For me, efficiency means never making my bed because we'll mess it up in 16 hours. It means not taking cups of water off the dining room table because we'll be back in a few hours to drink again. It means not closing cabinet doors as I make my way around the kitchen, b/c I'm busy talking to someone and I'll be putting the item back sometime within the next hour. In my way of thinking, why waste extra seconds opening and closing a door twice?

BIGGER ISSUE #2: We like things clean and orderly.
For Chris, this comes out in routine and internal organization. Once when I was away on a trip, he rearranged the contents of the kitchen cabinets to "help" me out. I couldn't find a thing.
For me, cleanliness means having dirt out of the house and laundry done. I love a newly vacuumed floor, and could care less if toys are scattered through the living room.  I order things in the cabinet based on whatever spot I find at the time to place a dish in.  It's random to other people, but it's MY order.

BIGGER ISSUE #3: We think exercise is important, and want to be good stewards of our bodies.
When Chris exercises, he goes from point A to point B in the fastest time possible. He sets a goal at either a mile marker or a stop sign.
When I exercise, I run with the dog. We stop to meet other dogs and their owners. I might jog behind a kid's bicycle, stop at the store for some bread, chat with the neighbors on the way home. It's possible that I will have no idea how far I went, how long it took me, or what the time is, but I'm really happy about all that I accomplished on my run.

BIGGER ISSUE #4: We both want to be good stewards financially.
For Chris, this means weekly and monthly meetings. It involves spreadsheets and budgets and soooo much talking.
For me, it means only buying what I need. I see budgets as unncessary as long as one spends less than they make. The rest of the time I just want to have fun, and talking about budgets does not fit that description.

BIGGER ISSUE #5: We both appreciate beauty.
Chris finds beauty in asthetics. For example, when we drive in the car, he notices things. Actually, he notices EVERY...thing. From the giant hawk on the fence post to a gleaming sunset, or a mountain landscape to an amazing old building, a ride with him is a constant sightseeing trip filled with "Wow, did you see that!?" Flowers on the table? For Chris they are beautiful and alluring.
I find beauty in function. On one of our sightseeing trips, err, I mean rides somewhere, I just want to get there. I don't really notice that much because I'm daydreaming. At least he does most of the driving because now that I'm thinking about it, my driving habits could be pretty bad. And when it comes to flowers on the table? For me they block the view and are annoying. I'm pretty sure a kid is going to knock the vase over and create more work for me.

BIGGER ISSUE #6: We both like to be engaged at church, seminars, classes, etc.
For Chris, "engaged" means arriving early and sitting in the middle of the crowd. He is not just listening to the speaker--he is listening AT him. Chris is thinking critically, matching every word, phrase, expression with specific passages of Scripture, making sure the point of the text was communicated.
For me, I want to arrive 2-5 minutes late, survey the crowd, and sit in the back. I like to find people who are sitting by themselves. I am not a back-row Baptist, but I want to be in the back so I can see who is there and while the speaker is talking, I casually look around and get a sense of how the crowd is reacting. I wonder if the message is resonating. Did the speaker communicate the text in a way that applies to people of all situations?

BIGGER ISSUE #7: We enjoy clean comedy and laughing at movies or television.
For Chris, humor manifests itself by wit, plays-on-words, and cultural sarcasm.
For me, amusement comes through physical humor and facial expressions.  Usually while one of us is doubled over laughing, the other is trying to figure out why he or she is laughing at something so stupid.

BIGGER ISSUE #8: We like to take walks or strolls together.
Chris walks along the sidewalks, like a good citizen.
I walk anywhere, because I think grass and dirt are God's created and preferred material for human feet. Once when I walked across a seminary yard, Chris was appaulled that I was walking across the institution's beautiful, bought grass. I was stunned at his assumption that grass was placed there to look pretty and not be walked on.

I can chuckle at these little things now, but when these differences are displayed in the mundane moments of life, the environment is ripe for an argument or misunderstanding. Sometimes our way of thinking or doing things is completely foreign to the other. My husband walks into the kitchen that I am working in and closes the microwave door that I am walking towards and about to use. We have trouble exercising together or getting on the same page financially. We appreciate in differing ways the beauty and hard work of another person, and struggle picking a place to sit at church, choosing a movie, or deciding where to walk.

Are any of these struggles similar to your marriage? I've described the problem, but do you sometimes finding yourself wondering what the solution is? In the next post, I will look at a little story in Scripture that makes a big difference in the way we view and carry out our marriages.

HAVING CRAZY PARENTS DOES NOT EQUAL GOING CRAZY!!!

This is part 2.  Part 1 can be found at:
 http://tonyastales.blogspot.com/2012/05/help-my-parents-are-crazy.html

Here's how:

You will be tempted to concentrate on the ways your parent failed you. Train your mind to focus on how Jesus fills the gap. Psalm 27:10 "My father and mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in."

Look for the ways God changes and uses you when you feel short-changed.

Dwell on anything positive that you can. If you can't find redeeming qualities in your parent, think of what God can/is doing in your life in spite of them.

You are not responsible for your parent, you are responsible for your responses. Accept that you can not change them, and allow God to change you for His glory.

Not only it is okay to be angry, there are times when we SHOULD be angry. The bible says to "be angry and do not sin." When you choose to forgive, you release your parents from having power over you. You release them into the hand of God. If you continue to dwell on your parents' mistakes, you will continue to make more of your own. Only keep specifics in mind for the purpose of learning from them and not repeating the same sin patterns, or for being able to sympathize with the plight of others.

Do not be decieving. Do be discerning. Use discretion and not deciet when communicating.(Jonathan to Saul-- 1 Kings 14:1, 19:1-7, 20) Saul was one who would go into extreme moods and mental states, similar to bi-polar or manic depression. There were times that his son Jonathan withheld information from his father, not to punish, but to protect either the kingdom or his friend David. There are times when one has to seperate from parents, but keep protection and reconciliation in mind.

Don't give your parents a reason to disqualify you. 1 Timothy 4:12

While you can observe your parents' actions, don't judge your parents' motives. Seek to understand them.
Don't try to be your parent's Savior. Do pray for favor so you can point them to the Savior.

Do NOT rebel. Resolve yourself to learning how to navigate bad or imperfect authority. One day, you may have to be under other authorities that you do not agree with: spouse, boss, pastor, politician, etc

Extend the mercy to your parent that God has extended to you. (Matt 18:21-35) Your parent may not deserve mercy from you, but neither do you deserve it from a perfect Heavenly Father.  You are able to give back not what others have given to you, but what God has given to you.

If your parents are too protective, remember they are seeing the most negative outcome while you are seeing the most positive. --Arliss Dickerson

Learn the Art of negotiation: Agree..Address..Alternatives. Agree to see things from their point of view, address the problem, and find alternate solutions.

Accept it if you can't connect on a heart level with your parent. Try to connect on SOME level--even if it's surface conversation.

Obey the Lord; submit (yield) to parents who still have authority over you. You have to master the Bible to know when you your parent's commands contradict your Heavenly Father's commands.

Seek to honor your parents, even when you can't or shouldn't obey them. It is the only commandment with a promise of blessing. (Ex 20:12, Deut. 5:16, 1 kings 14:43-45).

Honor their position even if you can't respect the person.

Help! My Parents are Crazy!

I hope you are among the many who celebrate Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.   But for some of you, the day comes with bitter emotion and mixed feelings.  It is very hard to honor a parent that you don’t find to be an honorable person.   If you are frustrated with your mother or father, you won’t find much sound biblical teaching on the matter.  If you think you have a crazy parent, you are not alone, even though you may often feel like it.  Strained parent/child relationships are one of the top reasons young adults find themselves in a counselor or minister’s office seeking spiritual help.

Can we, as the Church, admit that not every mother or father did their best job as a parent?  Could some parents actually mean harm to their children, whether directly or indirectly?  I want to take an honest look at some not-so-looked-at passages in the Bible and help those of you who have been deeply hurt by one or both parents.

Let’s look at the craziest parent ever mentioned in the Bible.  2 Chronicles 33:1-9 tells the story of the evil king Manasseh, who ruled in Jerusalem for 55 years.  This king built all kinds of alters and temples to false gods as he worshiped both things that God created and evil spirits. The most horrific act is stated in verse 6: “[Manasseh] sacrificed his sons in the fire in the Valley of Ben Hinnom…”  A father, created to protect his children, literally burned them as a sacrifice to the Baals.

You see, when a father worships Jesus, he will sacrifice himself for his children.  But when a father like Manasseh worships other gods, he will sacrifice his children for his god.  The problem in parent/child relationships isn’t necessarily the parent.  Neither is the problem with the victimized child.  There lies within this conflict a worship problem resulting in sin.

Maybe you’ve never seen a parent burn his or her child alive.  Our alters are made of different materials, our gods harder to identify.    If the parent’s  idol is money, the child is sacrificed at the job alter and neglected by the work-a-holic.  If the parent’s idol is sex, the child may very well be the victim of sexual abuse or rape.  If the parent’s idol is control, the child is left with the blows of anger or manipulation.  If the parent’s idol is soothed by alcohol or drugs, the child gets to experience neglect, abuse, etc.   When the parent idolizes a favored child like Jacob did to Joseph, the rest of the siblings are lacking in the love, tenderness, and acceptance that a parent it supposed to give.  When one’s idol is wrapped up in security and safety, the result is a controlling, over-protective parent.  It would take pages to list all the idols.  They come in many forms, in obvious and subtle ways, but all leave feelings of hurt and temptations towards all kinds of bitterness and malice.

Understand that anger, abuse, neglect, extreme work habits, misunderstanding, divorce, manipulation, & jealousy are NEVER the problem.   These are the tragic symptoms of at least one parent’s worship problem.

What should you do if your parent has sinned against you?  Look at what God does with Manasseh.  In 2 Chronicles 33:10-13, the Lord Himself brings punishment to this evil king.  God uses an army to attack Manasseh and take him prisoner, humiliating him to the point of distress.  It just so happens that this is when Manasseh finally cried out the Lord and changed his ways.

I know it’s hard, but you have to let God punish your parents for their sin. He is the only one that can make a person repent.  He is the only blameless judge and His justice is better than yours.  You are not allowed to be the judge, lawyer, or executioner for your parents.  You are not allowed to wallow in bitterness.  You can pray that your parent meets the Lord BEFORE he or she dies.  Either way your parent is responsible to God for his or her actions.

You have a choice to make.  Will you follow in the ways of your earthly father like Manasseh’s son Amon?   “[Amon] did evil in the eyes of the Lord…But unlike his father Manasseh, [Amon] did not humble himself before the Lord; Amon increased his guilt.” (2 Chron 33:22, 23)   Will you continue patterns of control, anger, resentment, pride, and the like?

Or will you be like Josiah, Manasseh’s other son, who followed the way of the Lord?  As young as eight years old, Josiah sought God, made wise decisions, and CLEANED HOUSE!  When Josiah became king, he purified the land and repaired the temple of the Lord. ( 2 Chronicles 34:1-3, 8)  Josiah is an inspiration, a young man who rebuilt what wicked men tore down, repaired the damage done by his ancestors, and experienced the Lord’s mercy in ways no one else in his family did.

Your parents can make you struggle, but they can not make you sin.  Even if you find it hard to honor your earthly parent, make it a point to forgive and walk in new ways--thereby honoring your Heavenly Father.


For more practical help:  see part 2: http://tonyastales.blogspot.com/2012/05/having-crazy-parents-does-not-equal.html

My Secret to Freedom

Guilt was once my close friend.  Worry was a constant companion.  Depression was once my enemy that would rarely leave my company. 

I can honestly say that I've waved goodbye to those emotions.  Or at least, if they come to visit me, they are not welcome for very long.  It almost feels prideful to say.  I have never wanted to act like I have it together, because Lord knows I don't.  But by God's grace I am not falling apart. 

I once made statements all the time like: " I am not ______."   or " I didn't _______."  I feared failure the most.  If women will listen to the statements that come out of their mouth, most will recognize these sentences that start with the word "I".  And that is the problem.  It is self-focus.  They are holding to some standard that comes from themselves, others' expectations, or even the Bible.  Yes, the Bible tells us the law that should be followed.  The law was given to show that we can not fully follow it.  The law is a guideline, but not our friend.

I replaced those statements with "Jesus is _________." and "Jesus did ________".  I have trained my mind to stop making "I" statements and focus on "Jesus" statements. This miraculous thing happened:  I started forgetting about myself.  I laughed at my weaknesses.  I looked at my sin square in the face and owned it.  Peace started replacing my fear of failure.  I started being okay with "not being good enough," because Jesus is good enough.

Here are some more examples:

"I can't finish anything."                           
"Jesus said on the cross that 'it is finished'."
"I need to get it together."                    
"Jesus holds it all together."
"I can't believe I did that."                   
"Jesus believed I would do that, so He died for it. I believe in Him."
"I am not a good mother."                        
"God is the perfect Father."
"I failed."                                                
"Jesus succeeded."
"I can't do all that."                                  
"Jesus did everything that needed to be done."


I believe that if you practice these statements habitually, you will find that the solution for the Christian is never "try harder".  It is "train longer".  Train your mind to put off the old way of thinking and put on the new.