In my previous post, Marriage: the Little Things , I talked about the big effect of little differences between my husband and I. It is important that he and I view marriage more positively than negatively. We can view these little things as obstacles in our life or opportunities for our growth. We can criticize each other or celebrate our uniqueness. We can argue about our differences or appreciate them.
My husband helps me travel to the world of possibilities and I help him trod in the land of practicality. That sounds so flowery and awesome, but sometimes the traveling makes me a little motion sick, and at times the trodding is frustrating for him. Thinking positively is true and right, but sometimes, we just can not self-will the happy thoughts. We need a bigger solution.
As I look through Scripture and study Jesus' interaction with people, I notice that He does not diminish the importance of little matters. Instead, Jesus redirects people's thinking. He takes earthly problems and points to heavenly solutions. Jesus seems to think we can learn from the "little things" and so He tells a short story about this tiny thing called a mustard seed.
"[Jesus] put another parable before them, saying, 'The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of air come and make nests in its branches.'"
Matt 13:31-32
This passage isn't about marriage, directly, but about the kingdom. However, the parable applies directly to marriage, because marriage was God's first kingdom-building institution (Gen 2). Marriage is the smallest of all kingdom unions. The purposes of marriage are not solely compatability, happiness, intimacy, or commitment. Man and woman were first joined together in the Garden to work in and for God's kingdom together. And now thousands of generations later, one man and one wife become "one" in a world with billions of people. The Christians plant their tiny marriage in God's huge kingdom, and then they grow. They grow bigger than non-Christian marriages (the garden plants) and extend far beyond themselves because they have the supernatural power of God working behind them.
Why is it important that marriages grow spiritually? So that the marriage is useful. Birds make their nests in the branches of a Christian marriage. Marriage is not just for the two people who started it, but for all the people who find their way to its resting spot. The marriage is to help others build their own homes and further the work of the kingdom.
Marriage is to be like the mustard seed. When the mustard seed has done its job, no one focuses on the seed. The seed is barely recognizable once it has produced so much usefulness. I pray that you will have a mustard-seed marriage: always growing, always pointing heavenward, always benefiting others. I pray that the tree of your marriage will weather dry seasons, stand strong in rain or sunshine, and benefit all the little "birds" long past the life of your little seed.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Marriage: the Little Things
It was 2:30 in the morning and I had just returned from a week-long trip. The last stop I made before home was a hole-in-the-wall Lousianna rest stop where I ate the best gumbo of my life. Once home, I went to the bathroom, haphazardly brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed with my husband whom I had been anxious to see. We talked for a bit, cuddled, and I told him about the things I had been reflecting on during my time away. I had been thinking about the importance of marriage, how much I appreciated my husband, and how I didn't want to get so uptight over the little things in our relationship. It was one of those movie moments, where I turned around to kiss him....and then almost knocked him out. You see, the gumbo was still lingering. Turns out a little dead seafood in the teeth can smell a long way, and whatever "magical moment" was about to happen....didn't.
You've heard "don't sweat the small stuff" and other similar cliches. But in a lot of marriages, the little things are important. The "little things" can create big differences, big dissentions and become big obstacles. There are people in many marriages that have the "big" things right, but continually stay frustrated at the little things. If those little things fester for long enough, disaster awaits.
When my husband and I prepared to get married over 12 years ago, we took a compatibility test administered by our college pastor. We scored high in every way, and our minister said that he had never seen anyone on the same page spiritually as we were. I naively thought that because we were so in love with Jesus, and so similar spiritually, we would not have many problems, and that marriage would be easy for us. In some aspects, that is true. But for the most part, my husband Chris and I are in total agreement about the BIG issues of life, and completely opposite on the little things or how we naturally apply those big issues. Here are a few examples:
BIGGER ISSUE #1: We both like to be efficient.
For Chris, this means a schedule, to-do list, a plan for the day, and picking up clutter as we go along.
For me, efficiency means never making my bed because we'll mess it up in 16 hours. It means not taking cups of water off the dining room table because we'll be back in a few hours to drink again. It means not closing cabinet doors as I make my way around the kitchen, b/c I'm busy talking to someone and I'll be putting the item back sometime within the next hour. In my way of thinking, why waste extra seconds opening and closing a door twice?
BIGGER ISSUE #2: We like things clean and orderly.
For Chris, this comes out in routine and internal organization. Once when I was away on a trip, he rearranged the contents of the kitchen cabinets to "help" me out. I couldn't find a thing.
For me, cleanliness means having dirt out of the house and laundry done. I love a newly vacuumed floor, and could care less if toys are scattered through the living room. I order things in the cabinet based on whatever spot I find at the time to place a dish in. It's random to other people, but it's MY order.
BIGGER ISSUE #3: We think exercise is important, and want to be good stewards of our bodies.
When Chris exercises, he goes from point A to point B in the fastest time possible. He sets a goal at either a mile marker or a stop sign.
When I exercise, I run with the dog. We stop to meet other dogs and their owners. I might jog behind a kid's bicycle, stop at the store for some bread, chat with the neighbors on the way home. It's possible that I will have no idea how far I went, how long it took me, or what the time is, but I'm really happy about all that I accomplished on my run.
BIGGER ISSUE #4: We both want to be good stewards financially.
For Chris, this means weekly and monthly meetings. It involves spreadsheets and budgets and soooo much talking.
For me, it means only buying what I need. I see budgets as unncessary as long as one spends less than they make. The rest of the time I just want to have fun, and talking about budgets does not fit that description.
BIGGER ISSUE #5: We both appreciate beauty.
Chris finds beauty in asthetics. For example, when we drive in the car, he notices things. Actually, he notices EVERY...thing. From the giant hawk on the fence post to a gleaming sunset, or a mountain landscape to an amazing old building, a ride with him is a constant sightseeing trip filled with "Wow, did you see that!?" Flowers on the table? For Chris they are beautiful and alluring.
I find beauty in function. On one of our sightseeing trips, err, I mean rides somewhere, I just want to get there. I don't really notice that much because I'm daydreaming. At least he does most of the driving because now that I'm thinking about it, my driving habits could be pretty bad. And when it comes to flowers on the table? For me they block the view and are annoying. I'm pretty sure a kid is going to knock the vase over and create more work for me.
BIGGER ISSUE #6: We both like to be engaged at church, seminars, classes, etc.
For Chris, "engaged" means arriving early and sitting in the middle of the crowd. He is not just listening to the speaker--he is listening AT him. Chris is thinking critically, matching every word, phrase, expression with specific passages of Scripture, making sure the point of the text was communicated.
For me, I want to arrive 2-5 minutes late, survey the crowd, and sit in the back. I like to find people who are sitting by themselves. I am not a back-row Baptist, but I want to be in the back so I can see who is there and while the speaker is talking, I casually look around and get a sense of how the crowd is reacting. I wonder if the message is resonating. Did the speaker communicate the text in a way that applies to people of all situations?
BIGGER ISSUE #7: We enjoy clean comedy and laughing at movies or television.
For Chris, humor manifests itself by wit, plays-on-words, and cultural sarcasm.
For me, amusement comes through physical humor and facial expressions. Usually while one of us is doubled over laughing, the other is trying to figure out why he or she is laughing at something so stupid.
BIGGER ISSUE #8: We like to take walks or strolls together.
Chris walks along the sidewalks, like a good citizen.
I walk anywhere, because I think grass and dirt are God's created and preferred material for human feet. Once when I walked across a seminary yard, Chris was appaulled that I was walking across the institution's beautiful, bought grass. I was stunned at his assumption that grass was placed there to look pretty and not be walked on.
I can chuckle at these little things now, but when these differences are displayed in the mundane moments of life, the environment is ripe for an argument or misunderstanding. Sometimes our way of thinking or doing things is completely foreign to the other. My husband walks into the kitchen that I am working in and closes the microwave door that I am walking towards and about to use. We have trouble exercising together or getting on the same page financially. We appreciate in differing ways the beauty and hard work of another person, and struggle picking a place to sit at church, choosing a movie, or deciding where to walk.
Are any of these struggles similar to your marriage? I've described the problem, but do you sometimes finding yourself wondering what the solution is? In the next post, I will look at a little story in Scripture that makes a big difference in the way we view and carry out our marriages.
You've heard "don't sweat the small stuff" and other similar cliches. But in a lot of marriages, the little things are important. The "little things" can create big differences, big dissentions and become big obstacles. There are people in many marriages that have the "big" things right, but continually stay frustrated at the little things. If those little things fester for long enough, disaster awaits.
When my husband and I prepared to get married over 12 years ago, we took a compatibility test administered by our college pastor. We scored high in every way, and our minister said that he had never seen anyone on the same page spiritually as we were. I naively thought that because we were so in love with Jesus, and so similar spiritually, we would not have many problems, and that marriage would be easy for us. In some aspects, that is true. But for the most part, my husband Chris and I are in total agreement about the BIG issues of life, and completely opposite on the little things or how we naturally apply those big issues. Here are a few examples:
BIGGER ISSUE #1: We both like to be efficient.
For Chris, this means a schedule, to-do list, a plan for the day, and picking up clutter as we go along.
For me, efficiency means never making my bed because we'll mess it up in 16 hours. It means not taking cups of water off the dining room table because we'll be back in a few hours to drink again. It means not closing cabinet doors as I make my way around the kitchen, b/c I'm busy talking to someone and I'll be putting the item back sometime within the next hour. In my way of thinking, why waste extra seconds opening and closing a door twice?
BIGGER ISSUE #2: We like things clean and orderly.
For Chris, this comes out in routine and internal organization. Once when I was away on a trip, he rearranged the contents of the kitchen cabinets to "help" me out. I couldn't find a thing.
For me, cleanliness means having dirt out of the house and laundry done. I love a newly vacuumed floor, and could care less if toys are scattered through the living room. I order things in the cabinet based on whatever spot I find at the time to place a dish in. It's random to other people, but it's MY order.
BIGGER ISSUE #3: We think exercise is important, and want to be good stewards of our bodies.
When Chris exercises, he goes from point A to point B in the fastest time possible. He sets a goal at either a mile marker or a stop sign.
When I exercise, I run with the dog. We stop to meet other dogs and their owners. I might jog behind a kid's bicycle, stop at the store for some bread, chat with the neighbors on the way home. It's possible that I will have no idea how far I went, how long it took me, or what the time is, but I'm really happy about all that I accomplished on my run.
BIGGER ISSUE #4: We both want to be good stewards financially.
For Chris, this means weekly and monthly meetings. It involves spreadsheets and budgets and soooo much talking.
For me, it means only buying what I need. I see budgets as unncessary as long as one spends less than they make. The rest of the time I just want to have fun, and talking about budgets does not fit that description.
BIGGER ISSUE #5: We both appreciate beauty.
Chris finds beauty in asthetics. For example, when we drive in the car, he notices things. Actually, he notices EVERY...thing. From the giant hawk on the fence post to a gleaming sunset, or a mountain landscape to an amazing old building, a ride with him is a constant sightseeing trip filled with "Wow, did you see that!?" Flowers on the table? For Chris they are beautiful and alluring.
I find beauty in function. On one of our sightseeing trips, err, I mean rides somewhere, I just want to get there. I don't really notice that much because I'm daydreaming. At least he does most of the driving because now that I'm thinking about it, my driving habits could be pretty bad. And when it comes to flowers on the table? For me they block the view and are annoying. I'm pretty sure a kid is going to knock the vase over and create more work for me.
BIGGER ISSUE #6: We both like to be engaged at church, seminars, classes, etc.
For Chris, "engaged" means arriving early and sitting in the middle of the crowd. He is not just listening to the speaker--he is listening AT him. Chris is thinking critically, matching every word, phrase, expression with specific passages of Scripture, making sure the point of the text was communicated.
For me, I want to arrive 2-5 minutes late, survey the crowd, and sit in the back. I like to find people who are sitting by themselves. I am not a back-row Baptist, but I want to be in the back so I can see who is there and while the speaker is talking, I casually look around and get a sense of how the crowd is reacting. I wonder if the message is resonating. Did the speaker communicate the text in a way that applies to people of all situations?
BIGGER ISSUE #7: We enjoy clean comedy and laughing at movies or television.
For Chris, humor manifests itself by wit, plays-on-words, and cultural sarcasm.
For me, amusement comes through physical humor and facial expressions. Usually while one of us is doubled over laughing, the other is trying to figure out why he or she is laughing at something so stupid.
BIGGER ISSUE #8: We like to take walks or strolls together.
Chris walks along the sidewalks, like a good citizen.
I walk anywhere, because I think grass and dirt are God's created and preferred material for human feet. Once when I walked across a seminary yard, Chris was appaulled that I was walking across the institution's beautiful, bought grass. I was stunned at his assumption that grass was placed there to look pretty and not be walked on.
I can chuckle at these little things now, but when these differences are displayed in the mundane moments of life, the environment is ripe for an argument or misunderstanding. Sometimes our way of thinking or doing things is completely foreign to the other. My husband walks into the kitchen that I am working in and closes the microwave door that I am walking towards and about to use. We have trouble exercising together or getting on the same page financially. We appreciate in differing ways the beauty and hard work of another person, and struggle picking a place to sit at church, choosing a movie, or deciding where to walk.
Are any of these struggles similar to your marriage? I've described the problem, but do you sometimes finding yourself wondering what the solution is? In the next post, I will look at a little story in Scripture that makes a big difference in the way we view and carry out our marriages.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
From Single to Married: the Do's and Don'ts
Sometimes, well-meaning Christian ministers, parents, and friends are too quick to tell un-married people "just pray and wait. The right one will come along some day." I've been guilty of it myself, and am here to publicly apologize. There are practical things (some straight out of the pages of the Bible) that can help singles be more intentional and prepared to meet their future spouse. I would like to address some of them here. This is not a "recipe" for getting married. You can not follow Steps 1, 2, 3 and expect "Mr. or Mrs. Right" to suddenly appear. It is possible for someone to desperately long for a spouse, be and do all the right things, and never get that desire met this side of Heaven. Since I think being unable to find a spouse is the exception and not the rule, I will speak to the majority.
* Yes, Christian. Wait on God. But don't use that as an excuse not to work for God.
* If you really want to be married one day, make sure the only thing keeping you from it is God's timing. It may be wise to finish some education, explore a mission experience, or get started in a new career. Don't let laziness, lack of biblical knowledge, or failure to control yourself be the reasons you don't find a spouse.
* Women: do not fall in the trap of chasing good men. It's not attractive. Instead, commit to good works borne out of godly character. If you find a way to practice good works in the presence of godly men, you'll be set apart from the average woman. While God ordained the marriage of Ruth and Boaz, Ruth knew how to "get in the way."
* Some people are too picky. Some people aren't picky enough. Your list of "negotiables" should be longer than your "non-negotiables."
* You've heard it said not to change who you are. But you can capitilize on certain aspects. My husband Chris is a huge baseball fan. I can't keep up with him on stats, players, teams, etc. But when I was interested in him, I made sure he knew I could throw a baseball. When I "aimed at his heart" and put the ball in the center of his glove.....he was hooked ;)
* Women: beauty should not be your idol. But again, 100% natural isn't a good thing, so be intentional. Let's face it: Eve was the only woman who didn't have the effects of original sin on her body. For the rest of us, we've got imperfections. I don't care who you are, you can not be attractive to all men...Stop trying. However, you CAN be attractive to SOME man...Start working.
* For men, one of the best practical ways to prepare for marriage is to learn how to make good decisions. Decision-making will be a major part of how you lead your family. For women, do not be prone to arguments. Nags are annoying. Learn how to disagree in a peacable way. Ask godly men and women how they've grown in these areas. Learn from their mistakes so you don't have to make them!
* In the age of social media, be careful about reading everyone else's "awesome" life. It can set you up for bitterness and jealousy--highly unattractive qualities. Get out and live a life worth writing about. (The biblical women commended for their faith served others in simple, obtainable ways.) If you never get married because of it, you'll at least be useful.
* There are some really good books about dating/marriage, but some books are dangerous. If you want a recommendation, I will be glad to send you some, but I think the best way to understand marriage is to have a comprehensive understanding of the Bible and relationship between Christ and the Church. I agree with Solomon that "there is no end to the making of books [or blogs], and much study is weary to the body." (Ecc 12:12)
* Don't use the Church, but DO utilize the Church. Find you a bible teaching, Jesus-centered, Gospel-drenched church. If you can find a single's group somewhere, don't be afraid to join it. If there are no singles in the building of the church you attend, utilize the global Church (Christians who care about you) to help you meet other un-married people.
* If you are someone who has no trouble finding dates, but trouble finding the "right one", you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you have a hard time committing? Are you afraid of something? Is your view of marriage Gospel-centered? Is there a pattern to what those of the opposite sex say to you? Ask God to search your heart.
*My final plea is to single men who are walking with Jesus and would like the gift of marriage. Not to perfect men, but those who obey the commands of Scripture and repent when they don't. Not to rich men, but men who are financially wise and working hard at their jobs. Not to men who never struggle with lust, but who know how to escape temptation. To men who are not hot-tempered and understand that marriage is a mission and ministry in and of itself: It is possible that you should begin a more intentional search for a godly wife. Think about where the godly women are. Think about who knows godly women. Be willing to get outside of your natural surroundings. Get a righteous man to pray for you and pray over you--out loud.
You can consider me right. You can consider me wrong. You can consider me crazy. But on behalf of frustrated singles everywhere, I prefer you consider me "Abraham's servant". :)
* Yes, Christian. Wait on God. But don't use that as an excuse not to work for God.
* If you really want to be married one day, make sure the only thing keeping you from it is God's timing. It may be wise to finish some education, explore a mission experience, or get started in a new career. Don't let laziness, lack of biblical knowledge, or failure to control yourself be the reasons you don't find a spouse.
* Women: do not fall in the trap of chasing good men. It's not attractive. Instead, commit to good works borne out of godly character. If you find a way to practice good works in the presence of godly men, you'll be set apart from the average woman. While God ordained the marriage of Ruth and Boaz, Ruth knew how to "get in the way."
* Some people are too picky. Some people aren't picky enough. Your list of "negotiables" should be longer than your "non-negotiables."
* You've heard it said not to change who you are. But you can capitilize on certain aspects. My husband Chris is a huge baseball fan. I can't keep up with him on stats, players, teams, etc. But when I was interested in him, I made sure he knew I could throw a baseball. When I "aimed at his heart" and put the ball in the center of his glove.....he was hooked ;)
* Women: beauty should not be your idol. But again, 100% natural isn't a good thing, so be intentional. Let's face it: Eve was the only woman who didn't have the effects of original sin on her body. For the rest of us, we've got imperfections. I don't care who you are, you can not be attractive to all men...Stop trying. However, you CAN be attractive to SOME man...Start working.
* For men, one of the best practical ways to prepare for marriage is to learn how to make good decisions. Decision-making will be a major part of how you lead your family. For women, do not be prone to arguments. Nags are annoying. Learn how to disagree in a peacable way. Ask godly men and women how they've grown in these areas. Learn from their mistakes so you don't have to make them!
* In the age of social media, be careful about reading everyone else's "awesome" life. It can set you up for bitterness and jealousy--highly unattractive qualities. Get out and live a life worth writing about. (The biblical women commended for their faith served others in simple, obtainable ways.) If you never get married because of it, you'll at least be useful.
* There are some really good books about dating/marriage, but some books are dangerous. If you want a recommendation, I will be glad to send you some, but I think the best way to understand marriage is to have a comprehensive understanding of the Bible and relationship between Christ and the Church. I agree with Solomon that "there is no end to the making of books [or blogs], and much study is weary to the body." (Ecc 12:12)
* Don't use the Church, but DO utilize the Church. Find you a bible teaching, Jesus-centered, Gospel-drenched church. If you can find a single's group somewhere, don't be afraid to join it. If there are no singles in the building of the church you attend, utilize the global Church (Christians who care about you) to help you meet other un-married people.
* If you are someone who has no trouble finding dates, but trouble finding the "right one", you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you have a hard time committing? Are you afraid of something? Is your view of marriage Gospel-centered? Is there a pattern to what those of the opposite sex say to you? Ask God to search your heart.
*My final plea is to single men who are walking with Jesus and would like the gift of marriage. Not to perfect men, but those who obey the commands of Scripture and repent when they don't. Not to rich men, but men who are financially wise and working hard at their jobs. Not to men who never struggle with lust, but who know how to escape temptation. To men who are not hot-tempered and understand that marriage is a mission and ministry in and of itself: It is possible that you should begin a more intentional search for a godly wife. Think about where the godly women are. Think about who knows godly women. Be willing to get outside of your natural surroundings. Get a righteous man to pray for you and pray over you--out loud.
You can consider me right. You can consider me wrong. You can consider me crazy. But on behalf of frustrated singles everywhere, I prefer you consider me "Abraham's servant". :)
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