Most people who write things are avid readers. Not me.
That is…I don’t read a lot of printed material. For me to
put a lot of stock in what authors say, I want to know if their lived-out lives
are as neatly packaged as their well thought-out paragraphs. Before I purchase a book, I have to “buy” the
person selling it.
I do, however, consider myself somewhat of a reader. I like to read people. I watch them. I listen to them. I take note of what they say. I try to figure out why they believe and
behave as they do. I analyze for myself
if I want to incorporate their advice into my life. No matter who they are, I learn from them and
I usually appreciate them for the enrichment they add to my life.
I am particularly grateful for the parents who “let me in”
to their families. The older women in my
life who have shared their experiences/philosophies/methods/reasonings for
their parenting endeavors have handed me individual bricks upon which I have
built the structure of my parenting style, whether I agreed with them or not. Therefore, this blog is for those younger
than me who are starting their families or have young children. I’m writing for those who know my family, who
have asked me how I raise our kids, who are question-askers, and who are
deciding for themselves which bricks they want for their own wall. Without further ado, here were main methods and philosophies I employed while our children were
pre-schoolers. I am particularly
high-lighting the way my husband and I “ran” our family during the toddler
years.
1.
We guided
our children with Scripture.
There was always a reason why we did the things we did. The verses in the Bible were our guideline for
living a pro-active life and our “go-to” when problems arose. If a child was afraid of the dark, she was taught
Ps 56:3 “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” If a child was selfishly screaming “MINE”
while hogging a toy, he was to repeat Ps 24:1 “The Earth is the LORD’s and
everything in it.”
2.
We trained them to obey us.
The kids learned a little chant: “It’s time to obey, right
away, with no delay cause that’s God’s way.”
Often times, if the child did not immediately do what was required, I
would ask “are you obeying right away?”
If direct disobedience of a clear instruction followed, the child was
disciplined. The method of discipline
(spanking, time out, removal of an item, creative measures that occurred to me
spontaneously) varied from stage to stage or child to child.
Because obedience is crucial, excuses were not
acceptable. A child could not get away
with “I didn’t hear you”. They were
exhorted to tune their ears when I speak because of John 10:27 “my sheep know
my voice”. A child could also not excuse
himself with “I forgot”. We found ways
to remember what was expected of us because God commands, not suggests, that
His people “Remember” numerous things in the Bible.
3.
I didn't wait until dad came home.
My husband has a busy schedule, so there was no way I was
going to wait on him to carry out discipline. My children had to learn to respect and obey me, since I was their
primary caregiver. I also believe that
young children need immediate feedback when they do something wrong. When my
husband was home, he readily administered teaching or discipline that needed to
happen under his watch, but I made sure that whatever happened while I was with
my kids was dealt with by me and later communicated to my husband.
4.
We limited our rules and focused on relationships.
I can not keep up with a hundred “do’s” and “do not’s”. Unless the toddler was disobeying me directly
(which is a violation of loving God), I could ensure that he or she was
breaking the second most important rule “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Mark
12:31
With this in mind, every time we had a family or friend
conflict, we questioned the kids with one main idea, “Who or what are you loving
right now?” We would probe into the issue that always caused the conflict—the toddler
cared more about the toy, himself, his space, his food, etc. than another
person. Therefore, when my child broke “the
rule”, I would tell him what he did wrong, HOW to act the right way, and make
him repeat why as stated in 1 John 4:7—“Beloved, let us love one another,
because love is from God.”
5.
Rewards were limited for the use of training
habits, not behavior.
I would certainly use treats or candy if the child was potty
training, or enduring the horrible practice of eating vegetables. However, the kids were not given rewards SO
THAT they would obey or treat people well. I want my kids to do the right thing simply because it is the right
thing to do and because they love other people.
There were times when a child so impressed me, or so moved my heart that
I would reward them with external things or activities after the fact, but I sought
not to let the “goodies” be the motivation or the bribe for good behavior.
6.
I took a lot of naps.
This is really about knowing my limitations and maximizing
my effectiveness. I have a very hard
time thinking well or behaving well when I am sleep-deprived. There were times I had no choice in my lack of
sleep, but when I could, I let my children take care of themselves in order to charge
up.
7.
I finally admitted and fought against my own
anger problem.
Never was I aware of the depth of my anger until I had children. There are times that my attitudes and actions scared me greatly.
I got honest with the things I let get me angry or frustrated. There were times I could wrestle and repent
of my anger quickly and resume normal life. There were times I had to change my situation so that I could “be angry
and not sin”—I’d spend the whole day in public because I knew if I was at a
park around people there was no way I would hurt or yell at my children!!!
8.
I delegated my weaknesses.
I didn’t do this on purpose at first. I often felt guilty for the skills I lacked
as a parent. But I soon found out that
my husband is the very structured one of our family. When he sets things in place, I can quickly
follow suit. He was the one who read the Bible to the kids most nights. I spontaneously read during the day when the kids were interested. A grandma taught one of my
children how to make her bed. I still
can’t make a good-looking bed, or fold fitted sheets for that matter. One of my three-year-olds
could organize things as well as I could, so I let her. Imagine a toddler who gets on to her mother
for not putting shoes back in the right place!
9.
I did not micro-manage their time.
Our children have had thousands of hours of unstructured
time to create, solve problems on their own, explore, find solutions to their
boredom, etc. Remember that I’m not that
structured anyway. I think this is an
instance where my weakness became the catalyst for my children’s creative
strengths.
10.
We let them be exposed to a variety of people
and problems of the world.
Because I think the biggest threat to my child is his sin, and the second biggest
threat to my child is my sin, I
am less afraid of other people’s sins. Our
young children have sat on the couch with former drug dealers, abusers, and
addicts and heard their stories. They have
dined at our table with people of different backgrounds, religions, and
denominations. They have ease-dropped
while my husband engaged others about who Jesus is and why His death and
resurrection are so important.
Because of my husband’s job in college ministry, our
children have had an amazing amount of time with college students and young
adults. Because of the church, they have had relationships with people of
different ages, learning styles, skill sets and capabilities. Because of our community, our kids have
conversed with the elderly in nursing homes and held a baby who was meant to be
aborted. They’ve had front-row seats to our friends who have grieved death or gone
through divorce. My husband and I didn’t
necessarily plan for all these people to cross their path, but we’ve taken
advantage of the conversations that followed- this world is brutal and
Jesus is best.
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