"Hey Mom, did you ever......?"

Thanks to comments made by people who have known me for a long time, my oldest daughter has had a curious interest in my teenage life before her Daddy.  Some of my life mishaps between the ages of 16 and 19 are down-right hilarious (now but not then).   I've got plenty of crazy stories, but there are some I’d rather not tell my own children.  I wish I would have treated others more kindly, made better decisions, and not entangled myself with certain people or fleshly desires. 

When our children ask us about the realities of the past, we have questions of our own to quickly wade through.  Will we tell them or will we not?  Will they use our mistakes as excuses to make more of their own?  Will they respect us less once they find out we didn’t always live up to the standard we hold them to?

A year ago, my kids learned that I spray-painted my uncle’s wall as a child.  They were stunned I would do such a thing, but that didn’t make them want to graffiti our own home.  That experience helped motivate me to be honest with them.  I have decided to freely talk about my own mistakes/sins to my kids in the appropriate times and to the extent that they can maturely understand them.  Here’s why:

1)      They need to see why Mommy needed a Savior.

2)      I want them to see with their own eyes how God works through imperfect people.

3)      I do not want to set an example of being shackled by shame.

4)      I’m expecting the end of my life to be better than the start.

5)      WHEN my kids mess up, I want them to know who to talk to.  Their imperfect mother will understand how to come to the Lord, ask forgiveness, correct mistakes, make restitutions and better decisions the next time.

This week, I’ve learned that friends and family members with good memories are a two-edged sword.   I would like to think better of myself than I really was. But no—they have the stories to prove otherwise. While their recollections are a pain, I’m glad those relationships are in my life to keep me humble and real. I’ve also come up with a great parenting philosophy that I will continually speak to my children:

“Kids, do as I do, not as I did.”

Guilt: One Mother's Story

I sat across the restaurant table from my precious sister-in-Christ rejoicing about her new-found life in Jesus while simultaneously grieving about the pain she had to work through.  “Jane” had become a Christian just a few short months ago, and I counted it a privilege to have a front-row seat to her journey of faith and freedom.  “You know,” she contemplated with tears in her eyes, “I know I’m forgiven.  I can accept that for most of the things I did.  I’m not proud of being a waitress at a topless bar, but I can get over that.  But there’s this one image I can not get out of my mind.  One night, my husband and I were wasted on the couch.  My son stood at the top of the stairs yelling ‘Mom! Dad!  Feed me!!!  I’m starving!’   Tonya, I wouldn’t even feed my children.  I did not care.  There were so many days my kids were left to fend for themselves, making themselves ramen noodles while I fed my own drug addiction.  I can not forgive myself.”

What do you say in a scenario like that?  The darkness is evident—no right-thinking mother wants this to happen to her children.  How do you get over this guilt?  One doesn’t forget these types of things--that image will linger in her mind for years to come.  But it doesn’t have to haunt her forever.  Here are some ways to work through the sins we’ve committed that carry huge life consequences.

1.)    Rejoice that you now see clearly.

          Jane did not feel guilty when she actually WAS guilty.  The very fact that she can now feel guilty is a sign that she can finally see the difference between right and wrong.  Her conscience is no longer seared; she has moved from “dark” to “light”.

2.)    Understand what controlled you then and now.

          In Jane’s case, she was controlled by drugs.  They overpowered her every decision.  Now, she is empowered by the Holy Spirit.  As she continues to walk in the Spirit, she will yield to a different Master who will teach her love, mercy, service, kindness, and self-control.

3.)   Stop trying to forgive yourself.

           The reason so many people have trouble forgiving themselves is because the Bible doesn’t tell us to.  We are to accept God’s forgiveness that He extends to us, accept forgiveness from those we’ve wronged, and then extend that same mercy to others.

4.)    Use guilt as your motivator.

Guilt is useful as a safeguard and indicator, as I discussed earlier.  But once the damage is done, we can not repay what has been lost.  We can’t “make-up” for sin.  In Jane’s case, she doesn’t now need to feed her kids whatever they want whenever they want, buy them excessive toys to make up for her past neglect, or excuse any bad behavior now or in the future.  She needs to use that past life as fuel for the next life, like Paul did.  When someone carries out the desires of her flesh, she will neglect and abuse even those that she loves.  How much more motivated then, should we be to carry out the commands of the life-giving Word of God?  I told Jane to keep that image of her son on the stairs.  Next time she wants to fall down in depression over past transgressions, she can use that image to remind her of how she really needs to be nourishing her children.  “Your children will never be able to articulate their need for spiritual food like they can physical food.  But when the soul is neglected, this is the type of desperation our kids feel.  Feed them Jane.  From here on out, teach them the Bible.  Teach them about God.  Teach them about Jesus’ forgiveness and freedom and that we no longer have to be slaves to the things of the world.  Feed your kids the love and mercy that God has given you.”

I can happily say that Jane did and she does.  As she would read the Bible to her kids, it would be the first time that she had read it for herself.  Occasionally she’d email or call because a passage blew her mind, or a kid asked a question that she didn’t know the answer to.  Jane’s questions about God and the Bible taught me so much, and challenged me to find good answers to complicated passages.  She was reading and learning with fresh eyes and a curious spirit.   She once felt the heavy weight of condemnation, but is now motivated to live a God-centered life where the “yoke is easy and the burdens are light.”

Musings and Memories: what money can't make

Though both my husband and I have college degrees and beyond, we certainly haven’t chosen a life with lots of moolah.  We were parents early in life, and there have been occasional moments in my children’s youngest years where I was sad about the inability to provide more material things.  As I reflect on those years, I’m satisfied that we had memories with our children that money can’t buy.

Our seminary days were cramped, but filled with creative experiences.  There were days my husband was sleeping in one room (he worked at night), the children I babysat were in the other beds, and my own kids would have to take their naps in random places on the floor.  But those were the fun times we “camped out”.  My son’s only recollection of those years is his mother chasing lizards and mice in the house--he misses those educational moments.  Years later, my husband and I didn’t muster up the cash for a privacy fence.  It was highly inconvenient for me to go outside every time the kids did, but without the “wall” we mixed and mingled with our neighborhood more frequently.  We have yet to purchase our kids play-set equipment for the yard, but I wouldn’t trade the times we had to go to the public parks—those conversations with friends and strangers were priceless and free.

My latest want, and soon-to-be-need, is another van (the old one burst into flames, remember?).   We currently have two 5-passenger vehicles, which means the three kids pile into the back-row seat.  This small vehicular contraption creates intense moments of loud noise, occasional pokes and punches, and strange smells.  Bucket seats and space would give me peace, but they wouldn’t give me the chuckle I had tonight.  Join our family in the latest car-ride conversation:

As we pile in the car, I remind my son to let his sister in first.

Son: “Ladies first doesn’t make sense.  It doesn’t even rhyme.  It should be ladies last.”

Daughter 1:  “That’s alliteration.”

Son:  “Well, whatever.  It should be fellas first and ladies last.”

D1: “Nope.  Sorry.  Females first.”

                (horrid smell)

Son: “UGH! Who took off their shoes?”

D1: “Let’s have a stinky feet contest!!”  (giggle, giggle, feet go flying)

Daughter 2: “oh….wait….I can’t catch my breath.”

D1: “Mom!  Roll the windows back up, you’re letting our stink out!”

A few minutes later, “ah man, our feet aired out.  Next game: baddest breath.”

It would be nice to have bucket seats with the kids spread more than arms’ length apart. I am certainly not opposed to buying equipment, fences, and vehicles to make life less complicated.   But I have to wonder what opportunities, creativity, and conversations I would miss if I could have afforded my comfort along the way.  I've come to realize that most disadvantages have advantages somehow in the mix, and I relish those disturbances that have alliterations somewhere in the making.

Guilt: True or False

A few nights ago, I awoke to an annoying beeping sound.  I stumbled around the house to figure out what the noise was, located the smoke detector, and attempted to solve the problem.  The battery needed changing, but at 3:00 in the morning, I wasn’t coordinated enough to pull off the detector’s cover.  Being the good wife and mother that I am, I took the next logical step.  I shut all the bedroom doors, put a pillow over my head, went back to sleep, and let my husband change out the battery the next day.

Maybe I should have made stronger attempts to rouse myself and get the battery changed that night, but in a home full of solid sleepers, there was really no need.   The smoke alarm was not going off, my household was not in danger, I didn’t leave anything burning on the stove (this time), and there was no fire.  The beeping sound was an indicator—not that flames would engulf my house but that a simple battery needed to be replaced.

And so it is with guilt.  As discussed earlier, guilt can be your safeguard.  Guilt can be the incessant, blaring smoke alarm that warns you “get out of the house or burn”, and it can also be the quiet, yet unavoidable steady beep of the smoke detector indicating the need for a change.   There are times you feel guilty because you are guilty, and there are times you feel guilty because your standard or expectation for yourself is different from the Bible’s standard.

Here’s a short list of the reasons parents (particularly mothers) feel a false sense of guilt:

• the child doesn’t act in the way he or she has been taught
• your parents, in-laws, or friends tell you what you should or should not be doing as a parent (and there is no biblical/medical/legal basis for their opinions)
• your child is sick due to something you did not cause
• you made a bad decision because you did not have the correct information and were not capable of obtaining it
• you were not able to provide something beneficial to your child due to lack of funds, resources, capabilities, or skills beyond your control
• you made an extra-biblical standard for yourself and failed to keep it

Anytime you start to feel the twinges or beeping sounds of guilt, you have got to access the problem.  Figure out if you need to repent and change your course of action, or if you just need to “change your battery.”  Take inventory and ask yourself “Where is this guilt coming from?  Do my standards line up with God’s?  Are my expectations of myself the same as God’s expectations of me?  Am I listening to other voices when I should be listening to God’s voice alone?”

Picture yourself in God’s courtroom on judgment day.   It is both a frightening and freeing thing to be in the presence of God when all of your sin, thoughts, and deeds are exposed before the Judge.  But take heart, your own child will not be present as your prosecuting attorney.  Neither will your child be your defense lawyer.  This means that your child’s opinion matters greatly in your relationship with him or her, but it means nothing in your relationship between you and God.  Your eternal case will not have a summoned jury consisting of parents, in-laws, friends, pastors, or authors.  Your spouse will not be there as your bailiff, keeping order in this court.  Neither do you get to be your own caseworker, advocating your own case.  You alone will stand before God, your Judge.  He will spread your words of this life before you (Matt 12:36-37) to see if your heart practiced bitterness or forgiveness.  He will spread your works before you to see if they were produced by a heart of fear or faith.  Those who rejected God in this life will be shown all of their sin and cast into hell by the Judge (John 12:48).  But…those who have trusted Jesus have another person in the courtroom.  Hebrews 9:27-28 tells about our advocate and mediator: “And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment, so Christ, having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to deal with sin but to save those who are eagerly waiting for him.”

Fellow Christians, please do not freak out when guilt arises.  Do not over-react.  There is no cause for alarm because the fire has been put out.  Do not run around guilt-ridden.  Learn to walk in the Spirit by changing your battery, replacing all of your standards, expectations, and opinions with the only One that matters.

Update: answered prayers

I'm working on part 3 of my blog on guilt, but wanted to give an update because so many people have prayed for me/us the last two weeks. 

A couple weeks ago, I wrote here asking that people would pray specifically for my daughter.  She is struggling being the "new girl" and misses her friends/and old life in Fort Smith.  Two or three events have happened that really helped her meet and feel comfortable with other kids her age.  We just so "happened" to be in the right place at the right time.

Many of you know Mrs. Sue.  She corresponded with me some, and wrote, "Praying your daughter has someone new move into her room."  Well, guess what?  Yesterday, a girl switched from another class into my daughter's.  This makes 8 girls in her class--an even number.  I don't know if they'll be friends or not, but that's not the point.  There is an even number of kids in my daughter's class, and now she doesn't feel like the odd one out.  Our daughter has a long way to go, but even her teacher wrote me and said she seemed lighter and happier this week.

I've learned and been reminded about several things through this situation:

1) I should be quicker to ask for prayer.  That takes humility on my part that I don't always have.

2) God is ready to give good things to His children.  I don't have because I don't ask.

3) It's not prayer that automatically "works".  God is powerful and He works in His timing.

4) God has a mysterious way of moving when petitioned by older, wiser, godly people.  This also happened to me when I first moved to Fort Smith.  We were fresh out of seminary, and I needed a part-time job to help with living expenses.  Mrs. Sue's husband Arliss, sat across the table from McDonald's and prayed that a church would hire me to do college ministry.  I almost laughed.  I said "Arliss, you know I love ministry.  But no church is going to hire a mom with three kids and no seminary degree to do college ministry."  The next week, Pastor Jeff called me into his office and told me to help the church and help my husband at the BCM, and he didn't care who got the credit.  For two years, my kids had no idea that I "worked".  They thought college and singles had parties at our house and that we went to the church office to get candy from the ladies' desks.

5) I plan on returning to paid work in January now that all of our kids are in school.  Arliss and Sue are among the first people I want praying for that job. 

In all seriousness, I am extremely grateful for my friends who think about me and pray for me.  What a privilege to be a part of the body of Christ.

Guilt: Snakes and Safeguards

                   ( Part 2 of a series on Guilt.  For part 1, see Guilt: The Mother Load)

My neighbor proudly showed me his picture of the six-foot black snake he killed in the back yard.  I’m pretty sure he expected me to gasp at the sight or fall down and thank him for rescuing our neighborhood from the hideous creature.  To his frustration, I asked: “that’s a king snake.  Why’d you kill it?”

There has always been a tension between me and some of my best friends that I’ve watched have cardiac arrests at the mention of this animal.  It’s very hard to convince people who are deathly afraid of snakes that there IS something good about those slithery enemies.  As a country girl, born and raised, my dad taught me something most people seem to forget:

Snakes eat rats.

(I am aware that cats eat those too, but there are people who also mistakingly think cats are evil, man-hating creatures.  This blog is about snakes.)  Snakes not only eat rats and mice, they eat pesky insects that damage crops.  My dad didn’t grow an acre-and-a-half garden every year like this (rain or drought) by going willy-nilly with a hoe or shotgun on every meandering reptile that crossed his path.

Snakes, in and of themselves, are not a problem.  The problem is their poison.  If you don’t want to live in rat-infested homes or with damaged crops, you will learn to kill the poison and appreciate the snake.  

Likewise, guilt, in and of itself, is not a problem.  In fact, guilt is a spiritual safeguard.  It is the verb, noun, and adjective that can keep dangers and diseases from rotting our souls.  If we want a fruitful spiritual life and flourishing garden that nourishes those we are around, we will learn to pay attention to, and adequately respond to our guilt.

  

I will address false guilt in my next blog post.  For now, let’s look at how God dealt with guilt in the Old Testament.  Lev 5:14-19, 6:1-7, and 7:1-6 tells about the procedure for a ‘guilt offering.”  If there were any of God’s people guilty of an offense against God or another person, and there was a possibility of restoring the offense, that person would have to bring one of his own possessions and sacrifice it at the alter.  It did not matter whether the offender meant to do harm or not—the point is God’s standard was not met and there had to be a substitution for the wrongdoing.  The transgressor had to sacrifice something important to him/her-- an innocent animal without a blemish or imperfection.  Once the ceremony was complete, the guilty party would repay what he or she owed plus 20%.  These acts of worship were important for safeguarding the community—the public was reminded of the standard that keeps people from being harmed or robbed from God’s best, the offender was motivated to act justly and wisely in the future, and all the wrongs were made right.

We can appreciate Jesus more fully when we dive into the practices of the Old Testament.  If you are familiar with the New Testament, particularly Romans 5, you will understand that Jesus, who was perfect and innocent, substituted Himself for us on the cross.  We often do the wrong thing, whether innocently or knowingly, but now because of Jesus, we do not have to sacrifice ourselves or our belongings.  We can confidently say "I WAS guilty, but with Jesus I am no longer condemned." It’s a radical tension to live with, but the blood that should be on our own hands, is now on the hands of Jesus.

The world will do a fine job of trying to excuse your guilt from you.  You’ll hear the subtle reasons for your bad decisions—your needs weren’t met as a child, your environment wasn’t right, your parents didn’t nurture you, your personality just is the way it is, your ADD wasn’t medicated correctly.  But this country girl can tell you what the world is doing to you—they are killing your harmless snakes and letting the rats infest your heart, to the point that the guilty people don’t actually feel their guilt and the innocent people bear the weight of guilt that is not theirs to be responsible for.  Maybe we need to hear: “you really are guilty.”  We can't excuse it, cover it up, forget it, or remove it.  There is only remedy for guilt: Jesus had to die for it.

Still, there are many times Christians sin and make mistakes.  We have guilty emotions to keep us from further temptations, pitfalls, and sins.  Even though we are to trust in Jesus’ work, we DO still have to work.  But we don’t correct our guilt by making further sacrifices.  The new law is “Trust and obey”.  If we’ve sinned against someone, we ask forgiveness.  We pay back what we owe if that’s possible.  When we realize we’ve made a bad decision (on purpose or innocently) we just admit it, learn from it, and move on.  We can't keep hanging around the Old Testament ceremonies smelling the blood, feeling bad that we are not the perfect sons and daughters of God.  We need the courage to look that king snake right in the face, discern if it is useful or poisonous, step over him in obedience, and let the freaky thing do his job without freaking out about him.

So...in what ways does this analogy disturb you?  :)

Guilt: the Mother Load

As a young child, I was advised on managing my emotions.  As a teenager, I was taught the value of hard work and operating a budget.  As a college student, older women coached me in the art of running a household.  As a young woman preparing for marriage, I spent hours in pre-marital counseling learning how to establish effective communication habits with my spouse.  But nowhere in my three seconds of pre-children counseling, was I prepared for the daunting task of managing my guilt as a mother.

I graduated college with a B.S.E. in elementary education.  I spent hours behind a desk learning how to be a specialist in classroom management.  Yes, I am certified by the State of Arkansas to teach the ABC’s and 123’s and beyond to multiple children by using Apple Annie, plastic teddy bear counters and geometric pattern blocks.  I am a trained bachelor of academic education, but somehow expected myself to be the master of motherhood. 

Unfortunately I found out that being a proficient mind-reader of my infant was a process and not an instantaneous skill given to me at her birth.   I had to learn that one cry meant “hold me”, consistent crying meant “feed me”, and multiple soft fusses accompanied by the moving legs meant “I need to poop”.  I failed to be a fortune-teller, unable to for-see the toddler quickly pull herself up in the bucket of the shopping cart, flip over, and land head-first on the parking lot pavement.  I released myself from that guilt when the same child made straight A’s in kindergarten (Whoo!  No long term damage).  I wasn’t naturally adept at managing the umpteen antibiotics, multiple aspirators, and Kleenexes that came with the ear infections.  And of course it was my fault that my children had the numerous ear infections.  I didn’t eat enough spinach while pregnant.  I should never have taken them to germ-infested grocery stores.  Instead, I should have been at home milking my own cow and tilling my flower-bed sized yard into a flourishing garden of beans and herbs and wheat.  I should have also played my genetics card right and married someone with big ears to counter-balance my tiny canals that passed on just the right amount of genetic conditions making someone susceptible to allergies and snot-blocked auditory meatus that resulted in multiple infections and five surgeries of two of my children.  Or I could have just realized sooner that we were all allergic to dairy.  I guess the cow would have gotten in the way.

It was hard to come to grips with the fact that I was no magician—unable to enchant my young ones to the exciting adventures of eating small trees and leaves in the form of broccoli and lettuce.  I did not charm my refluxed infant into rhythmical sleeping patterns in order to have a peaceful night’s sleep.  As a mother, I expected myself to be equipped as a judge between the sibling rivalry, a referee in their monopoly games/soon to be wrestling matches, a diplomat in the affairs of childhood disagreements, a politician that inspired my little followers with my riveting rhetoric, and a coach that produced winning champions and child prodigies.  When I don’t perform these jobs with correct discernment, skill, some creative acrobatics, and of course, a soothing, pleasant tone of voice that results in instantly well-mannered, healthy, responsible, and sensible children, guess what happens?   I get a visit from my undesirable companion: GUILT.

Guilt is a quirky little beast familiar to all moms who actually care about their children.   But I’ll tell you that I’ve found ways to contain this shrewd animal with his seductive eyes, sharp claws, and a paralyzing, poisonous bite.  At my house, he's trained to stay in his cage.  I hear him scratching every now and then.  Occasionally he escapes, but I’m quicker now and clever enough to trap him again.  He spends more time hearing me laugh at him than I do getting irritated or immobilized by him.

Next week, with Snakes and Safeguards. I want to pass on what I’ve learned about guilt: how guilt is both useful and useless, and what we mothers (or anyone else) are suppose to do with it.  Until then…

Grab a recycled spoon and have some lactose-free vanilla yogurt mixed with honey and topped with sugarless granola and pesticide-free strawberries.